Camouflage of Darkness

darkness

photo credit to pinterest.com

From dawn to dusk, anytime of the day
North, east, west or south, no matter where you stay
I’ll come and haunt you then take you away
And all you can do is to call your God, pray!

I’m invincible, all power is mine
I’ll bring you to a place where souls are entwined
I’ll leave you restless, breathless, but you’ll be fine
As you’ll be awakened then see the sign

I’m a shadow, the camouflage of darkness
Attacking when you have no awareness
In truth, I am a mask of holiness
The one who’ll lead you to eternal gladness

– December 6, 2017

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The Story Of 2017

2017

photo credit to commons.wikimedia.rog

This is a long overdue wrap up. I started writing this 2 months prior to the end of 2017 but morning (read: all-day) sickness came up.

Anyway, here’s my 2017 in one sentence: 2017 started as normal then halfway and through the end, it was full of surprises and excitement.

—–

January to June was uneventful. I lived a normal life, still searching, then gradually accepting, the loss of passion. Then in July, as I was reflecting what transpired halfway through the year, my spouse experienced a career setback – he was laid off (Surprise #1).

It was tough but it was easier than I initially expected. We were positive things will turn out fine although we considered options on what to do in case he’ll be unemployed for a longer time. But with prayers, opportunity, and luck, he was able to get a new job after in about 3 months. Actually, his being laid off became a blessing in disguise (Surprise #2). Things turned out better. We also got to spend more time playing Pokemon Go and met new people while raiding bosses.*

As for my work life and as already mentioned, I started the year with full of hopes about again finding my passion and drive. But nothing happened then I gradually came to peace that I can no longer bring back the same passion I had 5 or so years ago. Maybe that’s part of growing up (or growing old?). Besides, my day job will never be the centre of my life.

However, when things didn’t add up at work, I knew something was not right. So by end of Aug/early Sep, I started to look for a new job again (Surprise #3). Not even 1 year into my current job! But fortunately, I found one that suits me. I had a small pay cut but it’s what I want to do – it’s the one that I can enjoy and can stomach so I can face each work day. Leaving was definitely bittersweet as I really like the people at my work place but I can’t stay for them. We’ll touch base for sure, and we actually do :).

I guess things are meant to happen that way. Meet new people and friends, learn new things then off to another journey. With this new job, I didn’t have any expectations at all. I didn’t even think about rekindling my passion. I just let things be with only hope that this is the job that would make me stay put.

Then after about a week in my new job, we got the final and biggest surprise of the year. We found out that we’re expecting (SURPRISE #4)! Hold on… before finding out about the pregnancy, I wrote this in early Nov:

I want –
To smile and end my work misery
To look forward to each work day
To continue an active lifestyle
To achieve a work-life balance
To not ever live with regrets
And of course, I want
To write all possibilities
Are these too much to ask?
Will I get these at last?

—–

So came the last month of 2017… well, hello there little one. Who would have thought we’re going to have a baby? People around us, though most of them are pressuring us, know that we’re a couple who’s content on being just the two of us. We let the universe decide if we’re going to be 3, and so here we are with this abundant blessing.

December was the toughest and it felt like the longest month ever. Despite the holidays and the festive season, I was really having the worst changes ever. It’s hard enough that I was adjusting with the new work, but it was harder when my body was going through a lot of changes. Oh, the lack of caffeine, the nausea, the vomiting, the over-sensitive sense of smell, and the insatiable hunger!!! Oh man! I never thought it would be this hard. I’m struggling until now but surviving. I don’t like being pregnant but I’m so excited to have a little one. No pain, no gain, eh?

Now, I’m almost done with my first trimester. With fingers crossed, hopefully it would be better and the little one will grow well, strong, and healthy. So now, I’m revising what I want for 2018:

I want –
To write all possibilities
To continue knowing You
To have all the best for the little one
To welcome and enjoy parenthood
To live free with no regrets…
Here’s to an exciting 2018!

And of course, as my wrap-up tradition goes, I’m still singing and dancing in Bollywood style:

All izz well
Woot woot woot
Hey bro, all izz well…

*I just have to mention Pokemon since it accompanied me during my bleak work days.

– January 11, 2018 07:19

Insatiable

An unsatisfying hunger
A thirst for blood
The sight of the first drop
Then the world just stops

I long for the meat
I lust for the flesh
It’s mind boggling
It’s uncontrollable

Eat and be filled
Drink and be pleased
Give in to the urge
Yet it’s insatiable

It wants more
It needs more
More flesh…
More blood…

Until there’s nothing left
Nothing more to bleed…

– December 11, 2017

Thoughts These Days

thought bubble

photo credit to etsy.com

Writer’s Note: I’m posting 2 today just to tell WordPress I’m still alive! I actually want to write something about holidays or the new year but I couldn’t find the time to write about it yet so anyway, I’m posting my thoughts these past days. This is related to my struggle with changes.

To myself:
Six days without caffeine yet I’m surviving
I’m coping with the changes but I’m struggling
I feel worse each day yet I am delighted
And I never thought I would be this excited

To my spouse:
These are all new to me so please bear with me
I will be moody, I will be more whiny
But I’ll be less frustrated in each work day
With this new purpose, I’ll have no more dismay (read: work dismay, who cares about work now? ;P)

To our little one:
Just hang on tight, be well, grow strong and healthy
‘Til you’re ready for the world, see its beauty
You’re a divine gift, a wonderful blessing
For your arrival, we’ll be gladly waiting

– December 5, 2017

Struggling With Changes

Writer’s Note: I haven’t posted since last week! Not that I’m not writing, it’s because I’m struggling and overwhelmed with changes. What a timing to get a new job! if I had known I would go through these physical changes, including changes to priorities next year, I definitely would not move to a new job/company. Anyways, I’m welcoming these change despite my struggle with them. Here goes…

I used to enjoy watching people pass by
Observing them, wondering what their thoughts were
Now I feel dizzy with every move they make
This is one of the changes I’ll have to embrace

I used to like the aroma of coffee
It’s awakening, it’s stimulating
Now I feel awful with just a thought of it
It is another change that I’m struggling with

I used to work out until I lose my breath
It was to compensate for all the junk I ate
Now I have to eat right, don’t over exercise
I wonder when my routine can adjust

Changes, changes, oh why so many changes?
It’s tough but I’m looking forward to more changes
I maybe giving up some things I enjoy
But the one I’ll gain is someone who means so much more

– December 5, 2017

Patiently Waiting

sunrise

photo credit to the1873fm.com

Patiently waiting for the sunrise
Without worries, without the heart’s cries
Let light shine, let it open the eyes
To believe in hope that never dies

Patiently waiting for the morning
With a smile for a new beginning
Let love be the only vital thing
To find happiness with no ending

Patiently waiting for tomorrow
With a bright future with no sorrow
Let all hate be gone, let passion grow
To live free and not go with the flow

– October 11, 2017

Relive The Past?

 

Do you want to relive the past?
The pain, the sorrow?
Go back to the memory
When all you heard was the sound –
The sound of your cries
Coming from your heart
Screaming for guidance, for help
When you resisted, struggled
Yet you were still defeated

Do you want to relive this past?
The confusion, the frustrations?
The time you hit rock bottom
But then an epiphany emerged
Which led to true passion
Where you found purpose, yourself
Then you picked up the broken pieces
Mended your wounded heart
Then approached life with new perspective

Do I want to relive my past?
To be taken back in time
And be reminded about trials –
The failures turning into triumphs
The challenges making living worthwhile
So as to harden my mind, my heart
To believe again in destiny
To again hope for darkness and light
That they will converge becoming as one…

Should I relive my past?…

– September 28, 2017