But…

photo obtained from bestmusicbook.com

photo obtained from bestmusicbook.com

Author’s Note: This is actually related to the poem I wrote last week – “I Want To Be” that’s why I used the same picture. Scrambling on my thoughts again…

Going to work every day gets harder and harder. The first thing that comes to mind as soon as I sit in my workstation is – “is it 4:30PM yet?”. After that, I would think about what I would do for the day so I wouldn’t notice the time and all I can think about is how I want to write!

I receive affirmations that I’m doing well at work – that I can definitely lead a team and be “the man”. Most of the time, I don’t believe it and I keep telling my colleagues and friends that I never see myself as one of the bosses. It’s just not in me but I can’t help but wonder about this opportunity – an inevitable opportunity that will present itself in the future – I could really be that person but…

I am no longer as inspired. I am no longer as driven. I am no longer as motivated. Perhaps all frustrations from the past years plus death of relatives have finally taken a toll on how I perceive work. Life is short so why spend it on something that I am not passionate about? I am not frustrated now. I am contented but…

I enjoy my job. I do. I really do but do I love it? Nah! Love is such a strong word. What I love is writing. I’m in love with it and if only I could quit my job and dedicate my entire day to writing I would but…

So why not dedicate my evenings then? I wish I could but I also need to do other stuff in the evenings and weekends like household chores and errands, working out (trying to) and PLAYING video games!!! Yes, I love playing and oddly, I love cleaning too – two more things that I love to do! I already cut my playtime to have an active lifestyle so it’s difficult to squeeze writing at night. Besides, I don’t have enough energy left after spending my entire day in the office. Then again, I remember what my friend used to say all the time back when we were high school students – “if you want it, there are lots of ways; if you don’t, there are lots of excuses*” but…

I feel that I am only half-committed to my full-time job and my writing hobby right now. Every day I see colleagues and friends who are so dedicated at work. How career-oriented they are. How they want to climb the corporate ladder and pursue more studies related to the job. So keen about professional development and continuing education. Oh how I envy them! At times, I come across articles about amateur writers who became best-seller authors. How late bloomers decided to quit work and dedicated themselves to writing despite financial woes. How artists struggle to make end meets but still choose to be artists. So determined in publishing something or creating a masterpiece. Oh how I envy them! Why did I lose that fire? Where did it go? Give me a match and I’ll light it on whatever remaining smoke in me! I want to be fully committed again, it doesn’t matter if it’s to my full-time job or to writing but…

I’m in limbo. I’m just floating in the air, going with the flow – not entirely sure where I’m headed. I don’t even know how to bring back that fire in me. I think this is just a phase while I’m trying to explore my writing skills and my new work but…

I never dream of climbing the corporate ladder nor consider a career shift. Besides, I don’t think I will ever ride a rocket ship and go to the galaxy where the writing planet exists because I need money to live. It’s the practical choice! If I don’t succeed living in that alien world, who knows what might happen to me!?! Don’t get me wrong, I’m very used to failing – failure has been my teacher and it made me realize what true passion is but a failure from something I’m in love with… uhmmm…

No guts, no glory, eh?

“Be a driver, a learner
I want to be a dreamer
Make a diff’rence, be better
I want to be a writer”

* This was said in Filipino, I’m pretty sure a lot of Filipinos know this so this is not originally-written/quoted by my friend: “Kung gusto mo, maraming paraan; kung ayaw mo, maraming dahilan”

– written on June 24, 2015

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