Obsession Part 3

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I need you next to me
I love you. It’ll always be
So please stop ignoring me
Or I’ll be going crazy

Then you said you’re not ready
You said it’s not the right time
Then why are you with that guy?
Damn! You ARE with that guy!

You are driving me nuts
I give you my love, my world
Yet you cannot reciprocate
I am now losing control…

– April 19, 2016

Obsession Part 2

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You’re the light to my darkness
You’re the answer to my prayers
I see my future with you
So please! Let me be with you

I’ll do everything to make you mine
Anything to make you happy
Just say the word and I’ll be your slave
Let us make love to mark the start

And yet I still see you from afar
I want you. I need you. I love you.
You don’t see it, you won’t let me in
So WHY the hell you won’t let me in?

– April 18, 2016

Obsession Part 1

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I watch your every move
I see you from afar
I want you to be mine
No! I NEED you to be mine

I’m drawn to you
Let me take care of you
I want to be the one you’ll love
The one you’ll turn to

So let me purge the hindrance
I don’t want any roadblocks
I’ll prove my love is pure
And I’ll forever be devoted to you

– April 15, 2016

Lost (Just Rambling)

image

photo credit to theursan.wordpress.com

When I thought I have figured things out, that I have passed my confusion phase, that I have finally figured out what to do with my life, some things – small things – will just slap me in the face and remind me that I’m a lost clownfish in this vast ocean.

A clownfish that got lost in the ocean:

It’s difficult when I lost my fire towards my work. I have no more career aspirations, no clear career goals, no career plans. I dreaded to be a zombie worker but I have become that kind of employee. Someone who has no spark in their eyes, who’s always in autopilot mode and just working to get things done. Depsite of being dissatisfied and frustrated, I don’t even find the urge to look for a new job. Ironically, I find comfort in this boring routine. Besides, I don’t know where to go so why bother thinking about moving? My every second spent at work is such a waste of time. It frustrates me more that my attitude towards work totally contradicts my principles! But well, I need my work to earn money and survive.

I used to like going to work each day and think about my day and meetings ahead. I used to have passion to ensure my work is understood and recognized by the management. I used to embrace the work-related stress as it keeps me alive. I lost that drive and it’s now a challenge to wake up each day and face my work.

A clownfish facing sharks:

And so I ask – what do I REALLY want to achieve in my career? Tough question! A question I still don’t know the answer. I know I want to earn more money and retire early – if I could retire now, that would be the best! But this is too vague; it doesn’t even address the kind of work I want to do.

Now, if I consider writing as my career, this turns out to be an easy question. Short term, I want to finish my two short stories and hopefully submit them to a writing contest. The result of that contest will not matter to me. As long as I have a story (or two), the idea, and the guts then I would be fulfilled. Long term, it’s a dream to publish a book – not a blog – with collection of my poems or whatever I have written then be recognized as a true writer. I want to touch everyone’s soul through my writing. Or perhaps, publish a one-hit-wonder of whatever. I guess, this is every writer’s dream. Sadly, these dreams are so far-fetched. I don’t even know how to get there.

It’s a question that can easily be answered but harder to be solved.

A clownfish finding its way (?):

“Just keep swimming” – this is Dory’s line in the movie “Finding Nemo”. What else to do but just keep swimming in this ocean, eh? But keep swimming to where? To a destination called Nowhere?!? I don’t really have a plan. I thought I would have an epiphany after writing this as I always used to have after writing my rambles and rants. But this time is different. I’m still the same me, without drive, without inspirations, without any motivation. I don’t even know how to end this! I’m clueless and I’m still a lost clownfish in this vast ocean.

A Journey to the Lost
A Traveller Going Nowhere
A Destination to Confusion

Well, at least I figured out some good titles for my book that only has blank pages in it!

– April 18, 2016

My Vows/Aking Pangako

wnyc org

photo credit to wnyc.org

Author’s Note: I woke up one morning and the last stanza, the one written in Filipino, was stuck in my head. It was originally meant to be a song but then again, how I can I put the melody? So I carried on and continued writing the poem then maybe one day, I can add music to it.

I was left captive in the dark
From all these failures I faced
My hope suddenly vanished
My mind closed, I didn’t care

My heart was full of bitterness
I was angry at the universe
When I failed to surpass this crisis
And I didn’t know where to turn

But I am aiming for a change
Be a freeman than a prisoner
Find the key to unlock my heart
And so I am making these vows

Pick up myself from all this mess
Get up and live without regrets
Embrace life with glee and a smile
And soon I will again see the light

Filipino (Original Version):

Sa dilim ako’y nabilanggo
Mula sa kabiguang natamo
Pag-asa ay biglang naglaho
Isipan ko ay sumarado

Puso’y nabalutan ng pait
Sa mundo ako ay nagalit
Nang di malampasan ang pasakit
At di alam kung saan kakapit

Ngunit hangad ko ng magbago
Ayaw ko ng maging preso
Buksan ang pusong nakakandado
Kaya’t heto ang aking pangako

Iangat na ang aking sarili
Bumangon na at huwag magsisi
Yakapin ang buhay ng may ngiti
Nang liwanag ay makitang muli

– April 6, 2016

Memories Of You

Author’s Note: Another poem that is intended to be a song but its melody is still missing.

In a ski trip, we first met
You were laughing with friends
Enjoying your hot chocolate
Warming up for your next trail

We were side by side lining up
We chatted, I was mesmerized
We exchanged numbers, it was the start
Our story had just begun

And I cling to this day we met…

Chorus:
The snowflake in your nose
The way you close your eyes
Then you smile at me
These all remain in me
My memories of you

We always went back to that trip
It became our celebration
Our tradition until the end
Full of love and happiness

But then, the cold dawned on us
The death of us had been destined
With no choice, you had to leave
Your parting bore questions and pain

And I can only cling to the day we met…

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Why do I have to let you go
Why do I have to move on
I only want to remember
And just cling to that first day
‘Cause those are all I have
My memories of you

Repeat Chorus

– February 26, 2016