Lost (Just Rambling)

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photo credit to theursan.wordpress.com

When I thought I have figured things out, that I have passed my confusion phase, that I have finally figured out what to do with my life, some things – small things – will just slap me in the face and remind me that I’m a lost clownfish in this vast ocean.

A clownfish that got lost in the ocean:

It’s difficult when I lost my fire towards my work. I have no more career aspirations, no clear career goals, no career plans. I dreaded to be a zombie worker but I have become that kind of employee. Someone who has no spark in their eyes, who’s always in autopilot mode and just working to get things done. Depsite of being dissatisfied and frustrated, I don’t even find the urge to look for a new job. Ironically, I find comfort in this boring routine. Besides, I don’t know where to go so why bother thinking about moving? My every second spent at work is such a waste of time. It frustrates me more that my attitude towards work totally contradicts my principles! But well, I need my work to earn money and survive.

I used to like going to work each day and think about my day and meetings ahead. I used to have passion to ensure my work is understood and recognized by the management. I used to embrace the work-related stress as it keeps me alive. I lost that drive and it’s now a challenge to wake up each day and face my work.

A clownfish facing sharks:

And so I ask – what do I REALLY want to achieve in my career? Tough question! A question I still don’t know the answer. I know I want to earn more money and retire early – if I could retire now, that would be the best! But this is too vague; it doesn’t even address the kind of work I want to do.

Now, if I consider writing as my career, this turns out to be an easy question. Short term, I want to finish my two short stories and hopefully submit them to a writing contest. The result of that contest will not matter to me. As long as I have a story (or two), the idea, and the guts then I would be fulfilled. Long term, it’s a dream to publish a book – not a blog – with collection of my poems or whatever I have written then be recognized as a true writer. I want to touch everyone’s soul through my writing. Or perhaps, publish a one-hit-wonder of whatever. I guess, this is every writer’s dream. Sadly, these dreams are so far-fetched. I don’t even know how to get there.

It’s a question that can easily be answered but harder to be solved.

A clownfish finding its way (?):

“Just keep swimming” – this is Dory’s line in the movie “Finding Nemo”. What else to do but just keep swimming in this ocean, eh? But keep swimming to where? To a destination called Nowhere?!? I don’t really have a plan. I thought I would have an epiphany after writing this as I always used to have after writing my rambles and rants. But this time is different. I’m still the same me, without drive, without inspirations, without any motivation. I don’t even know how to end this! I’m clueless and I’m still a lost clownfish in this vast ocean.

A Journey to the Lost
A Traveller Going Nowhere
A Destination to Confusion

Well, at least I figured out some good titles for my book that only has blank pages in it!

– April 18, 2016

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