Without You

kathleenmoulton-com

photo credit to kathleenmoulton.com

Abandoned, now my life’s a mess
You left and everything has changed
Now I’m facing another test
And without you this seems so strange

Chorus 1:
And I… I feel so lost, confused
Without you, I’m wounded with bruise
And I… I am sinking below
In a vacuum where I belong

Abandoned, I don’t have a clue
I’m tired from trying to move on
My wings are clipped without you
How do I fly and carry on

Repeat Chorus 1

Bridge:
So save me from my misery
Lift me from this melancholy
Only you can bring clarity
Without you, it’s insanity

Chorus 2:
And I… I feel so lost, confused
Without you, I’m lifeless; no fuse
And I… I am falling… Falling
In this void where I’m submitting

And I… I am falling, sinking below
In this vacuum where I truly belong

– August 30, 2016

In Search Of Fire (My 2016 So Far)

genius

photo credit to genius.com

My fire, drive and passion vanished without a trace
I was in denial, I thought it was just a phase
I endured the loss until I cannot take this place
Now, I vow to find you no matter what I’ll face

My 2016 so far can be summed in 3 words – My Fire Disappeared. It didn’t happen in an instant, it was painfully gradual. Looking back, it started sometime the second quarter of last year. If you’re waking up each day and you’re not looking forward to your day then something is clearly wrong. I was already feeling it but my mind was refusing to accept. I thought it was just a phase, the aftermath of change but after a year of battling with my head, I can no longer deny it. I had to embrace that my fire, my drive, and my passion* – they disappeared. I am not happy with my job and I have become what I have dreaded, a zombie worker!

So what now? When you’re not happy with your job, quit, right? Always easier said than done. I was waiting for ‘the’ day for practical and financial reasons. Besides, I already know that writing is my passion. I’m happy that my boredom paved the way for what I am capable of – from writing dark plots to mushy song-like poems to something less personal but I’m not talking about this passion. I’m talking about the motivation and passion towards my day job. Let’s face it, I cannot quit yet nor shift to writing. I need money and despite all my rant, I actually enjoy my profession (note: profession is different from actual job). At first I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to write if I were to quit my job so I was a bit hesitant. But while enduring the loss of my drive, I gained confidence that I can and I will write no matter what I do for a living. I am no longer confused. Painfully and gradually, I accepted that this work is not just my cup of tea. It doesn’t give me a sense of fulfillment; it only gives me boredom. So what do I do now?

Of course… I just have to write about what I’m feeling and voila! Instant poem! But seriously, I badly need my fire back. I guess writing about it is the start. Writing until finally accepting the situation. Eventually, I got sick and tired about my rant so it’s time to take action and find a new job. But hold on, what about ‘the’ day? I only have a general plan but it’s not clear-cut but (with fingers crossed) if something comes along, I would not think twice. If I can leave this misery now, that would be priceless, right? Why wait for ‘the’ day?

I am currently in limbo, waiting for a call, hoping for an offer.** The future is uncertain but I choose to believe in destiny. Destiny gives me something to hope for. Destiny assures me that things will always be for the better. Blind faith! If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. But I need to do something to be a step closer to my destiny and find my fire! I will not find it unless I step out from this miserable yet comfortable state. I hope my next moves would be the right and the only way to it. Well, if things don’t work out, then I’ll just have to endure more and extend this detour, then hope to learn a different perspective. Regardless of what’s going to happen, I’m sure, eventually, I will get there and find my fire, my drive, and my passion back. It’s destiny!

So here’s to the rest of 2016!

Here’s to finding my passion again!

My fire, drive and passion vanished without a trace
I was in denial, I thought it was just a phase
I endured the loss until I cannot take this place
Now, I vow to find you no matter what I’ll face

* I often use the words fire, drive, and passion interchangeably.
** As of posting, I got an offer and accepted a new job. Hopefully this is one way to finding my fire again.

– September 12, 2016

False Hope

I’m floating in a limbo; I’m getting antsy
To have false hope is something I don’t fancy

I’m waiting for a call; I’m hoping for good news
Will it soon mark the end? Please give me the cues

I know, patience is a virtue; it’s worth the wait
If it’s meant to be, then I just have to trust fate

If it’s a no then stay! There’s nowhere else to go
Then I’ll bide my time, back to following the flow

Back to my comfort and succumb to my misery
Just accept and learn from this prolonged agony

It’d be a disappointment but what else to do?
Believe in destiny; someday, I’ll get there, too

– September 12, 2016

It’s All Over (Part III)

Author’s Note: I wrote this when I was 16 for my first love (more of infatuation). It’s a long poem so I’ll cut this into 3 parts.

Here’s part 1 and here’s part 2.

The storm has passed and a brand new day is waiting
A wonderful rainbow I am hoping to see
And soon birds will all sing like a choir
And the grasses will be green and all with life

Roses will soon bloom and the sun won’t say bye
The trees’ leaves will soon dance with all their might
The sea and its waves will greet me and say fine
‘Cause now I can feel that things will be all right

The air will whisper all the hopes for love
The sand will again sparkle like a blazing fire
And the river will never ever stop its flow
For I will now leave thee and will start to grow

The moon will soon find its own light
The stars will twinkle and will shout at last
And the warm night will now always remind me
Finally, I have gotten over with thee…

– March 29, 2000

It’s All Over… (Part II)

Author’s Note: I wrote this when I was 16 for my first love (more of infatuation). It’s a long poem so I’ll cut this into 3 parts.

Here’s part 1 and here’s part 3.

Now birds are weeping that things won’t be all right
The bees stop in creating sounds
The grasses are drying and turning brown
‘Cause now it’s like the end of my life

Now roses are all dying and the sun is frowning
The tress are becoming gloomy; their branches are not waving
The sea is ignoring me; its waves are hurting me
They are hurting me so badly

I can’t hear the air that is whispering love
Even the sand is not sparkling now
River is filled of rocks, stopping its flow
For now I hate to see thee as a glow

The clouds are covering the moon so it doesn’t shine
The stars are mourning and saying they are sorry
The warm night is now reminding me
How can I get over with thee…

– March 29, 2000