In Search Of Fire (My 2016 So Far)

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photo credit to genius.com

My fire, drive and passion vanished without a trace
I was in denial, I thought it was just a phase
I endured the loss until I cannot take this place
Now, I vow to find you no matter what I’ll face

My 2016 so far can be summed in 3 words – My Fire Disappeared. It didn’t happen in an instant, it was painfully gradual. Looking back, it started sometime the second quarter of last year. If you’re waking up each day and you’re not looking forward to your day then something is clearly wrong. I was already feeling it but my mind was refusing to accept. I thought it was just a phase, the aftermath of change but after a year of battling with my head, I can no longer deny it. I had to embrace that my fire, my drive, and my passion* – they disappeared. I am not happy with my job and I have become what I have dreaded, a zombie worker!

So what now? When you’re not happy with your job, quit, right? Always easier said than done. I was waiting for ‘the’ day for practical and financial reasons. Besides, I already know that writing is my passion. I’m happy that my boredom paved the way for what I am capable of – from writing dark plots to mushy song-like poems to something less personal but I’m not talking about this passion. I’m talking about the motivation and passion towards my day job. Let’s face it, I cannot quit yet nor shift to writing. I need money and despite all my rant, I actually enjoy my profession (note: profession is different from actual job). At first I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to write if I were to quit my job so I was a bit hesitant. But while enduring the loss of my drive, I gained confidence that I can and I will write no matter what I do for a living. I am no longer confused. Painfully and gradually, I accepted that this work is not just my cup of tea. It doesn’t give me a sense of fulfillment; it only gives me boredom. So what do I do now?

Of course… I just have to write about what I’m feeling and voila! Instant poem! But seriously, I badly need my fire back. I guess writing about it is the start. Writing until finally accepting the situation. Eventually, I got sick and tired about my rant so it’s time to take action and find a new job. But hold on, what about ‘the’ day? I only have a general plan but it’s not clear-cut but (with fingers crossed) if something comes along, I would not think twice. If I can leave this misery now, that would be priceless, right? Why wait for ‘the’ day?

I am currently in limbo, waiting for a call, hoping for an offer.** The future is uncertain but I choose to believe in destiny. Destiny gives me something to hope for. Destiny assures me that things will always be for the better. Blind faith! If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. But I need to do something to be a step closer to my destiny and find my fire! I will not find it unless I step out from this miserable yet comfortable state. I hope my next moves would be the right and the only way to it. Well, if things don’t work out, then I’ll just have to endure more and extend this detour, then hope to learn a different perspective. Regardless of what’s going to happen, I’m sure, eventually, I will get there and find my fire, my drive, and my passion back. It’s destiny!

So here’s to the rest of 2016!

Here’s to finding my passion again!

My fire, drive and passion vanished without a trace
I was in denial, I thought it was just a phase
I endured the loss until I cannot take this place
Now, I vow to find you no matter what I’ll face

* I often use the words fire, drive, and passion interchangeably.
** As of posting, I got an offer and accepted a new job. Hopefully this is one way to finding my fire again.

– September 12, 2016

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One thought on “In Search Of Fire (My 2016 So Far)

  1. Pingback: I Will Find My Passion Again | lampangmanunulat

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