I Wish

wish

I wish to write more
Find things to explore
Create something special
Inspirational

I wish to read books
Plots that will make me hook
Ignite my senses
Creative hunches

I wish to play games
RE* is the name
Spark my adrenaline
Stimulating

But these have to wait
As I juggle with fate
Let me be hopeful
Let me be fruitful

– December 10, 2019

*RE = Resident Evil, I am such a huge fan since I was a teenager and I’ve been playing it since.

What Else To Do (New Year)

2020

How time flies, another year has gone
Yet a lot of things are still undone
What else to do but to continue
Finish what has started then pull through

Welcome the new year by moving on
Life is too short so just carry on
What else to do but to let things go
Forget the past, look forward then grow

Hoping the new year would be fruitful
Remove the worries, just be peaceful
What else to do but to ignore all fears
Smile through the pain but for now let’s cheers

Cheers to 2019!
Cheers to 2020!

– January 16, 2020

The Story Of 2019

2019

Writer’s Note: Read the bottom part for a poem about my 2019.

What’s the highlight of my year? I went back to work, let baby be independent at daycare and dealt with work while taking care of baby when she was sick. And she got sick a lot! The longest stretch that she didn’t get sick was 2.5 weeks. But this happened on the second half of the year. The first half of the year was a bliss. I enjoyed spending time with her. I loved watching her grow and seeing her reach each milestone. It was and it will always be very fulfilling to be her mom.

Having a kid really changed everything. Before, I only sum up my year based on my work and writing struggles or death of a loved one but now everything revolves around the baby. I don’t like using the word “mature” whenever one talks about parenthood. I’d say this is just totally different perspectives and priorities but not necessarily mean maturity. One can mature with or without a kid. So what’s my point? Nothing really, I just want to say that my priorities have changed over the year. I don’t know if I have matured but things have changed to the point that I couldn’t even think about what to write. I don’t even know if they are correlated but it’s ironic that in spite of all the happy vibes of having my baby in my life, I struggled so much with my writing.

Oh 2019… I was so inspired, so blessed, so happy yet I felt that I reached my peak and gradually descending. I felt like there were no more words left in my brain and I found myself constantly squeezing whatever creative juice left. I wonder if the lack of video game, books and exercise contributed to my drought. Or maybe, it was always just easier to express my thoughts if they were dark or sad. And since I was in a happy place, I ran out of ideas This phase seemed to last longer than I wished.

So for this year, I just hope I could play games, read books and do some workout again. Not because they would replenish my elixir but this is me. Somehow a part of me was lost in 2019 and I need it back to become me again. I never regret becoming a mom but I also need my pre-mom self. This year, I’m looking forward to getting back those hobbies that were lost and of course I’m so excited to see my baby grow up. I’m so excited to see the world in a brand new way with my family. I just need to learn how to adjust and juggle all things that I want to accomplish.

Anyways, to sum 2019 up in a poem…

2019 was a bliss, I was inspired
Yet I found myself stuck, drained and tired
I ran out of words, I’ve nothing to say
Hoping this year I’ll have a better way

This drought has been the longest, it seems
It is slowly diminishing my dreams
To explore what’s beyond me, to write more
Will it end this year? Will I ever soar?

But also…

I loved spending each moment with you
You gave my life a different view
The past years were just full of beauty
Excited for the next years with my baby

– January 9, 2020

To My Baby

My heart breaks in millions of pieces
I wish I could take away your sickness
But all I could do is say a prayer
Hoping for you to soon recover

This is tough, it’s been the longest week
Watching you struggle makes me so weak
But I need to be strong to be your rock
So l can hold you and pat your back

You can cry, our little brave soldier
I am right here, offering my shoulders
I will hug you and tell you it’s all right
This will pass, I’m sure you’ll survive this plight

– December 31, 2019