What Else To Do (New Year)

2020

How time flies, another year has gone
Yet a lot of things are still undone
What else to do but to continue
Finish what has started then pull through

Welcome the new year by moving on
Life is too short so just carry on
What else to do but to let things go
Forget the past, look forward then grow

Hoping the new year would be fruitful
Remove the worries, just be peaceful
What else to do but to ignore all fears
Smile through the pain but for now let’s cheers

Cheers to 2019!
Cheers to 2020!

– January 16, 2020

The Story Of 2019

2019

Writer’s Note: Read the bottom part for a poem about my 2019.

What’s the highlight of my year? I went back to work, let baby be independent at daycare and dealt with work while taking care of baby when she was sick. And she got sick a lot! The longest stretch that she didn’t get sick was 2.5 weeks. But this happened on the second half of the year. The first half of the year was a bliss. I enjoyed spending time with her. I loved watching her grow and seeing her reach each milestone. It was and it will always be very fulfilling to be her mom.

Having a kid really changed everything. Before, I only sum up my year based on my work and writing struggles or death of a loved one but now everything revolves around the baby. I don’t like using the word “mature” whenever one talks about parenthood. I’d say this is just totally different perspectives and priorities but not necessarily mean maturity. One can mature with or without a kid. So what’s my point? Nothing really, I just want to say that my priorities have changed over the year. I don’t know if I have matured but things have changed to the point that I couldn’t even think about what to write. I don’t even know if they are correlated but it’s ironic that in spite of all the happy vibes of having my baby in my life, I struggled so much with my writing.

Oh 2019… I was so inspired, so blessed, so happy yet I felt that I reached my peak and gradually descending. I felt like there were no more words left in my brain and I found myself constantly squeezing whatever creative juice left. I wonder if the lack of video game, books and exercise contributed to my drought. Or maybe, it was always just easier to express my thoughts if they were dark or sad. And since I was in a happy place, I ran out of ideas This phase seemed to last longer than I wished.

So for this year, I just hope I could play games, read books and do some workout again. Not because they would replenish my elixir but this is me. Somehow a part of me was lost in 2019 and I need it back to become me again. I never regret becoming a mom but I also need my pre-mom self. This year, I’m looking forward to getting back those hobbies that were lost and of course I’m so excited to see my baby grow up. I’m so excited to see the world in a brand new way with my family. I just need to learn how to adjust and juggle all things that I want to accomplish.

Anyways, to sum 2019 up in a poem…

2019 was a bliss, I was inspired
Yet I found myself stuck, drained and tired
I ran out of words, I’ve nothing to say
Hoping this year I’ll have a better way

This drought has been the longest, it seems
It is slowly diminishing my dreams
To explore what’s beyond me, to write more
Will it end this year? Will I ever soar?

But also…

I loved spending each moment with you
You gave my life a different view
The past years were just full of beauty
Excited for the next years with my baby

– January 9, 2020

Grief

foggy woods

photo credit to zedge.net

A mist is enveloping this morning
The road seems narrow and never ending
I feel the breeze, the chill is hitting my face
How I long for the warmth of your embrace

The sun is still in hiding, it’s so dark
Not even a bit of light can make its mark
But this path I have no choice but to take
Burdened with grief that I can no longer fake

The starless, pitch black night is approaching
And I don’t even know where I’m going
But I will keep walking to find answers
Brave this journey while saying my prayers

– October 11, 2019

Haunted

It’s haunting every piece of me
I ran looking for a sanctuary
I hid but it always finds me
No escape from this catastrophe

It wants to control my mind, my soul
I refused, neglecting the call
A phantom commanding my whole
I am cornered to take the fall

Then it devours me, draining my core
Resist or surrender – I am torn
But it persists, asking for more
Yet I feel at peace, I am reborn

– September 4, 2019

Drowning

It’s seems like eternity
But at last,
I see something
It’s blurry…
Is it the shore?
Swim faster
Faster!
Go to that island!
But wait…
Where am I?

The water isn’t blue
It’s gray
There are no fish
No corals
Nothing underneath
A sink hole to nowhere
So hurry
Swim harder!
Flap those arms!
Move those feet!

The shore
It’s nearer
I see it now
I can reach it now
But what? How?
This is not a sanctuary
It’s just a huge log
But I can hold on to it
Cling on to it
At least for now

Then I look up
At the sky
It’s getting darker
This water beyond me
It’s turning black
And I’m exhausted
But I need to stay afloat
“Don’t close your eyes
Don’t give up now”
Just keep swimming!

But I’m tired and I…
I want to rest and I…
I’m shutting my eyes and I…
I’m losing my breath and I…
I don’t know where I am
How did I end up here?
Swim!
Swim more!
But slowly‎…
Oh so slowly…

I am drowning…

Only you can save me…

– August 8, 2019

Defeated

I fell and I stumbled
I was down, I was troubled
I can’t pick myself up
There was no way to get up
No strength to even try
And all I could do was cry
From despair, from anger
For not having the power
To control my dumb mind
Then command the brain to find
The love and the passion
To seek a motivation
But I only faltered
To defeat, I surrendered

– July 10, 2019

One With God

When the blue sky is turning into gray
I get lost, always searching for answers
When things get tough and not going my way
It’s the time to pause and say my prayers

When I lose grip on things I can’t control
I question how and why it’s so unjust
I feel I’m farther away from my goal
But I try to let go and put my trust

I rely on the miracle from above
Where I can’t be ignored, I am not odd
And it is all about faith, hope, and love
Then I try, I aim to be one with God

– May 19, 2019