Living In Shadow

lurk in shadows

photo credit to empowertexans.com

I have been living in the shadow of my pen
I want to be out but I just do not know when
I guess I am afraid, I don’t want to let go
I’m holding on to something I don’t even know

My fear is holding me back, I am insecure
I want to explore the what-ifs but I’m unsure
Maybe I will just live in the world of regret
Wait for the time that I’ll be able to forget

Maybe here, I’ll find freedom and serenity
Maybe this place has always been my destiny
Stop wondering what kind of life would be then
Just accept living in the shadow of my pen

– January 7, 2019

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The Story Of 2018

Writer’s Note: I’ve been writing about my year since 2013 but I’m not sure when I would be able to write a full narrative about my 2018. For now, here’s a short poem summarizing it.

Welcomed the birth of our baby
Looked forward to this journey
Felt a resurgence of passion
Found a new inspiration
This is my 2018 (twenty eighteen)
Bring it on, 2019 (twenty nineteen)

To explore the world with you
To write more about Him and you
To walk the path to destiny
To continue to be free
Here’s to more love, 2019
And thank you, 2018

– January 2, 2019

Regress

kingofwallpapers

photo credit to kingofwallpapers.com

I used to wake up with a dream
Of words engulfing my passion
Where I find the inspiration
To move on, explore and be free

I used to hear a melody
Of songs I wanted to be sung
Then use my imagination
To write the lyrics from my heart

But things are changing, I have changed
Somehow I find myself regressing
‎Doubts and fears are resurfacing
And slowly… slowly… I’ll be back…

To the darkness… to nothingness…

– November 5, 2018

Struggle

Writer’s Note: This was written more than 15 years ago. I cannot recall now what triggered this but this was way back when I was still un the university.

Faced by a lot of failures
Losing confidence, losing grip
Feeling worthless, feeling dumb
Can’t prove something, can’t say anything
Just like any other persom
Can never be an extraordinary one
Nothing’s good inside
Been crying, been bursting
Helpless, hopeless, and meaningless
Depression is here in vain
Empty head, nothing’s left
Can’t beat them, can’t have an edge
Just like any other person
Can never be an extraordinary one
Sitting in the dark
Been pretending, in denial
Can’t face reality, can’t see the fact
Dreaming, aiming
Reality bytes – it’s all a lie
Still fighting, still trying
Still wanting, holding on
Making a difference, but all is null

– August 8, 2003

Drought (Part 4)

drought

photo credit to cdc.gov

Lost in a world with too many people
Too many things going on
My mind has been preoccupied
Resulting in not knowing what I want
Confused as to what I need
I am seemingly lost in this void
Overwhelmed by this busy crowd
So how can I make amends?
Take charge of my destiny?
Gain a different perspective?
When all I have is my pen
And I am gradually losing my wit
How do I focus to the things that matter?
How do I ignore all the noise?
Then it just dawned on me…
All I need is my pen and a little bit of wit!
Just start writing whatever, whenever
Then just have a little faith and believe
I will soon overcome this drought
Its end is near

– July 10, 2018

Drought (Part 3)

drought

photo credit to cdc.gov

Have you ever experienced the mind suddenly stop?
When there are no more thoughts, no more ideas
And the words are left hanging, floating in midair

Have you ever wondered where they all went?
Then you tried to search deeper looking for inspiration
But then nothing! The words you needed were gone

Have you ever told yourself to take a break, that it will pass?
You put your pen down, logged off from your PC, paused for a while
Then when you came back, you were still muddling

Have you ever wondered if it will all go back?
Like 1+1=2 or riding a bike, it is going to be as easy as that
But then you ask yourself when would that be…

Then you started to wonder “is this the start of the end?”
A peak has been reached, now it’s time to descend
Have you ever been afraid that rain will never come again?

Because I’m clearly in drought…
I am drained…
I am afraid…

– July 3, 2018

Drought (Part 2)

drought

photo credit to cdc.gov

I always need a validation
Telling myself this is my passion
But I’m stuck, I feel I’m not growing
Did I reach my peak now I’m descending?

And now I’m back again to nowhere
Just scrambling, looking to find whatever
I hope it’s just a phase to something new
‎A great inspiration that’s being brewed

So how do I keep on believing?
Keep the faith, stop myself from falling?
Refuel my mind, my heart, my soul?
When all my fears are eating me whole…

– July 2, 2018