Living In Shadow

lurk in shadows

photo credit to empowertexans.com

I have been living in the shadow of my pen
I want to be out but I just do not know when
I guess I am afraid, I don’t want to let go
I’m holding on to something I don’t even know

My fear is holding me back, I am insecure
I want to explore the what-ifs but I’m unsure
Maybe I will just live in the world of regret
Wait for the time that I’ll be able to forget

Maybe here, I’ll find freedom and serenity
Maybe this place has always been my destiny
Stop wondering what kind of life would be then
Just accept living in the shadow of my pen

– January 7, 2019

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32 Hours

photo credit to pmstudycircle.com

Writer’s Note: I haven’t written much. I really feel that I’m regressing or maybe just busy taking care of a newborn. Anyway, this was written long time ago but haven’t posted it yet.

I hate this feeling! This agony… THIS AGONY OF WAITING!

I wonder where will I be tomorrow?… This sounds familiar! I already said this last year. But it seems that this question has no answers.

It’s this time of the year again when “Go the Distance” is my song! But will I really get there if I make it through? I really do not know but what I do know is I badly want to pass this exam.

It seems that I am not making any sense. Anyhow…

Nervous, anxious, but anticipating
Confused, frightened yet hoping

Keeping myself busy
But I don’t want to feel too easy

I can’t even relax
Just wanting the time to lapse

32 hours still…
Will keep praying until…

Longest hours of my life again
After this what would I gain?

Stressed, pressured but anticipating
Clueless, unsure yet hoping

What to do? What to do? What to do? It’s seems that I’m having a hard time concentrating?

I don’t want to experience failure for the nth time. I don’t have a plan B nor any other plans for this, just plan A… so please, please, please! Allow me to shout “I’M FINALLY FREE!”

– August 17, 2009

Regress

kingofwallpapers

photo credit to kingofwallpapers.com

I used to wake up with a dream
Of words engulfing my passion
Where I find the inspiration
To move on, explore and be free

I used to hear a melody
Of songs I wanted to be sung
Then use my imagination
To write the lyrics from my heart

But things are changing, I have changed
Somehow I find myself regressing
‎Doubts and fears are resurfacing
And slowly… slowly… I’ll be back…

To the darkness… to nothingness…

– November 5, 2018

My Subconscious Is Killing Me

photo credit to pmstudycircle.com

Writer’s Note: I haven’t written much lately so this was an old one, written in 2009 when I was waiting for the results of an exam.

I woke up at the wrong side of the bed
I just had a bad dream, I guess
Ignoring the moment that I have dreaded
Yet it came out naturally in my unconsciousness

Oblivion – that’s what I want
Preoccupied by lots of things except “that”
But when I shut my eyes and dreamed
My subconscious killed me while I was asleep

Feeling restless again
Stressed on what would “that” be
On “that” night what would I gain?
Please, I just want to be free!

– August 13, 2009

Drought (Part 4)

drought

photo credit to cdc.gov

Lost in a world with too many people
Too many things going on
My mind has been preoccupied
Resulting in not knowing what I want
Confused as to what I need
I am seemingly lost in this void
Overwhelmed by this busy crowd
So how can I make amends?
Take charge of my destiny?
Gain a different perspective?
When all I have is my pen
And I am gradually losing my wit
How do I focus to the things that matter?
How do I ignore all the noise?
Then it just dawned on me…
All I need is my pen and a little bit of wit!
Just start writing whatever, whenever
Then just have a little faith and believe
I will soon overcome this drought
Its end is near

– July 10, 2018

Drought (Part 3)

drought

photo credit to cdc.gov

Have you ever experienced the mind suddenly stop?
When there are no more thoughts, no more ideas
And the words are left hanging, floating in midair

Have you ever wondered where they all went?
Then you tried to search deeper looking for inspiration
But then nothing! The words you needed were gone

Have you ever told yourself to take a break, that it will pass?
You put your pen down, logged off from your PC, paused for a while
Then when you came back, you were still muddling

Have you ever wondered if it will all go back?
Like 1+1=2 or riding a bike, it is going to be as easy as that
But then you ask yourself when would that be…

Then you started to wonder “is this the start of the end?”
A peak has been reached, now it’s time to descend
Have you ever been afraid that rain will never come again?

Because I’m clearly in drought…
I am drained…
I am afraid…

– July 3, 2018

Drought (Part 2)

drought

photo credit to cdc.gov

I always need a validation
Telling myself this is my passion
But I’m stuck, I feel I’m not growing
Did I reach my peak now I’m descending?

And now I’m back again to nowhere
Just scrambling, looking to find whatever
I hope it’s just a phase to something new
‎A great inspiration that’s being brewed

So how do I keep on believing?
Keep the faith, stop myself from falling?
Refuel my mind, my heart, my soul?
When all my fears are eating me whole…

– July 2, 2018