Writing Struggle

It’s not that I don’t have any inspiration
But I am always left with so much distraction
Left and right, up and down, all I see is confusion
Look around and I can’t find my concentration

Maybe I’m stuck with no more creativity
My mind wanders but it’s the same activity
I try to focus but I’m hit with anxiety
‎More of this and it will be my fallibility

And it’s becoming the epitome of puzzles
I try hard but I still don’t know how to tackle
I guess there are some things that I cannot handle
Just have to accept this is an endless struggle

– May 14, 2019

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Anxious

I live in anxiety
Of the unknown
Of all uncertainties
Of all risks

It is irrational
It is illogical
But I’m a slave
I’m under its spell

I am trapped
It’s controlling me
Fear is taking over
Soon I’ll find my end

Then it will be done
As I succumb to it
And to nothingness
That’s where I’ll be

– May 12, 2019

Where Are You?

It gets harder each day
As I try to find my way
I have been everywhere
But I can’t find you there

I’m not myself anymore
There’s a void in my core
I wonder if you’re near
So to erase my fear

Chorus:
Where are you? Where are you?
How can I go back to you?
Where are you? Where are you?
Please tell me what should I do

I miss you terribly
Why did you just leave me?
‎Let’s become one again
Return to love once again

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Oh… I need to be strong
To you is where I belong
I know we’ll be together
Just have faith in forever
But I’m now losing me
So for now please tell me…

Repeat Chorus

Where are you? Where are you?
Please let’s be me and you…

– April 10, 2019

Innocence and Positivity

innocence and positivity

Writer’s Note: I associate positivity with rainbow, hence the picture. I wrote this more than 5 years ago. I just posted it here because I submitted it to Chicken Soup but it wasn’t selected.

Whenever I reach my boiling point, I unintentionally always end up going back to my true passion. For reasons unknown, it triggers my right brain to work. When that happens, I scramble about something or I reread my past writings. Luckily for me, tonight, I ended up doing both.

I don’t usually reread the writings I made earlier than 2005. Why? I don’t know, there was still no confusion prior to 2005 and my writings back then were about love and friendship. I feel that most of those were childish. But tonight was special. I went thru my writings from more than a decade ago. It amazes me. It seems that the writings I made more than a decade ago and the writings I made in the past 5 years were written by two different people! It was very noticeable that I took a break from writing during the years of 2004-2005. And after my short hiatus, things have changed. It gives me awe on how I evolve as a writer. My writing style has definitely changed, even the language I used and obviously, the topics I chose.

Rereading my old writings is like looking at old photo albums or better yet, it’s like reading my diary. What surprises me more is how my attitude has changed. Back in university, my literature professor who is, by the way, one of my influences in writing, told us to ponder on this topic: “What Makes Me Beautiful?”. Back then, I had so much positivity and innocence. Contented and satisfied! Blessings are outpouring! Life is beautiful! Death is beautiful! Everything is beautiful and these make me beautiful!

Somewhere between my confusion and frustrations, somewhere between facing death and failures, I lost my innocence and positivity. I forgot about them while I was growing up. I am too disappointed, too distracted, too focused on just finding answers. I attracted too much negativity and I took for granted the things that really matter.

I need to bring these back. May be I was living in Utopia back then. I know I wouldn’t be able to bring back my old idealistic self but somehow I need that little something from that youngster named (insert my full name here). That’s my take away from tonight. I know I’m not going to have enough sleep tomorrow to face my busy day, but hopefully what I have learned from my old self will keep me awake and will give me the power to survive positively. 🙂

– November 21, 2013

Why Do You Write / Bakit Ka Nagsusulat?

IMG00351-20130102-1811

Why do you write?
Is it for the likes
To earn money
Is it just a hobby
Or just because

What if the end is near?
Ideas are running out
There are no more words
The fire is dying down
What’s left is only residue

Can you still write?
Even without an audience
Are you changing your ways to conform
Or would you just let it go
Then accept the faded dream

So why am I still writing?
Because this is why I’m breathing
Until the last drop of my ink
Even if there’s no one who reads
Because writing is my happiness

– February 13, 2019

Bakit ka nagsusulat?
Para ba sa likes
Para ba kumita
Libangan kaya
O dahil wala lang

Eh paano kung hanggang dun na lang?
Naubos na ang mga ideya
Wala ng mga salita
Upos na ang kandila
Latak na lang ang asa utak

Kakayanin mo pa bang magsulat?
Kahit wala namang nagbabasa
Babaguhin mo ba ang likha para sa iba
O hahayaan na lang maiga
At tanggapin ang paglaho ng pangarap

Eh bakit pa rin ako nagsusulat?
Dahil dito ako humihinga
Pipigain hanggang sa huling tinta
Kahit pa walang mambabasa
Dahil pagsusulat ng aking ligaya

– February 13, 2019

Living In Shadow

lurk in shadows

photo credit to empowertexans.com

I have been living in the shadow of my pen
I want to be out but I just do not know when
I guess I am afraid, I don’t want to let go
I’m holding on to something I don’t even know

My fear is holding me back, I am insecure
I want to explore the what-ifs but I’m unsure
Maybe I will just live in the world of regret
Wait for the time that I’ll be able to forget

Maybe here, I’ll find freedom and serenity
Maybe this place has always been my destiny
Stop wondering what kind of life would be then
Just accept living in the shadow of my pen

– January 7, 2019

32 Hours

photo credit to pmstudycircle.com

Writer’s Note: I haven’t written much. I really feel that I’m regressing or maybe just busy taking care of a newborn. Anyway, this was written long time ago but haven’t posted it yet.

I hate this feeling! This agony… THIS AGONY OF WAITING!

I wonder where will I be tomorrow?… This sounds familiar! I already said this last year. But it seems that this question has no answers.

It’s this time of the year again when “Go the Distance” is my song! But will I really get there if I make it through? I really do not know but what I do know is I badly want to pass this exam.

It seems that I am not making any sense. Anyhow…

Nervous, anxious, but anticipating
Confused, frightened yet hoping

Keeping myself busy
But I don’t want to feel too easy

I can’t even relax
Just wanting the time to lapse

32 hours still…
Will keep praying until…

Longest hours of my life again
After this what would I gain?

Stressed, pressured but anticipating
Clueless, unsure yet hoping

What to do? What to do? What to do? It’s seems that I’m having a hard time concentrating?

I don’t want to experience failure for the nth time. I don’t have a plan B nor any other plans for this, just plan A… so please, please, please! Allow me to shout “I’M FINALLY FREE!”

– August 17, 2009