The Story Of 2019

2019

Writer’s Note: Read the bottom part for a poem about my 2019.

What’s the highlight of my year? I went back to work, let baby be independent at daycare and dealt with work while taking care of baby when she was sick. And she got sick a lot! The longest stretch that she didn’t get sick was 2.5 weeks. But this happened on the second half of the year. The first half of the year was a bliss. I enjoyed spending time with her. I loved watching her grow and seeing her reach each milestone. It was and it will always be very fulfilling to be her mom.

Having a kid really changed everything. Before, I only sum up my year based on my work and writing struggles or death of a loved one but now everything revolves around the baby. I don’t like using the word “mature” whenever one talks about parenthood. I’d say this is just totally different perspectives and priorities but not necessarily mean maturity. One can mature with or without a kid. So what’s my point? Nothing really, I just want to say that my priorities have changed over the year. I don’t know if I have matured but things have changed to the point that I couldn’t even think about what to write. I don’t even know if they are correlated but it’s ironic that in spite of all the happy vibes of having my baby in my life, I struggled so much with my writing.

Oh 2019… I was so inspired, so blessed, so happy yet I felt that I reached my peak and gradually descending. I felt like there were no more words left in my brain and I found myself constantly squeezing whatever creative juice left. I wonder if the lack of video game, books and exercise contributed to my drought. Or maybe, it was always just easier to express my thoughts if they were dark or sad. And since I was in a happy place, I ran out of ideas This phase seemed to last longer than I wished.

So for this year, I just hope I could play games, read books and do some workout again. Not because they would replenish my elixir but this is me. Somehow a part of me was lost in 2019 and I need it back to become me again. I never regret becoming a mom but I also need my pre-mom self. This year, I’m looking forward to getting back those hobbies that were lost and of course I’m so excited to see my baby grow up. I’m so excited to see the world in a brand new way with my family. I just need to learn how to adjust and juggle all things that I want to accomplish.

Anyways, to sum 2019 up in a poem…

2019 was a bliss, I was inspired
Yet I found myself stuck, drained and tired
I ran out of words, I’ve nothing to say
Hoping this year I’ll have a better way

This drought has been the longest, it seems
It is slowly diminishing my dreams
To explore what’s beyond me, to write more
Will it end this year? Will I ever soar?

But also…

I loved spending each moment with you
You gave my life a different view
The past years were just full of beauty
Excited for the next years with my baby

– January 9, 2020

To My Baby

My heart breaks in millions of pieces
I wish I could take away your sickness
But all I could do is say a prayer
Hoping for you to soon recover

This is tough, it’s been the longest week
Watching you struggle makes me so weak
But I need to be strong to be your rock
So l can hold you and pat your back

You can cry, our little brave soldier
I am right here, offering my shoulders
I will hug you and tell you it’s all right
This will pass, I’m sure you’ll survive this plight

– December 31, 2019

I Will Miss You

I will miss the way you smile at me
When you wake up and you find me
Then I will miss preparing your milk
Then washing your skin that feels like silk
I will miss our daily morning strolls
When you nap and I ‘catch them all’
I will miss having lunch with you
And the cute ways you give your cue
Asking for more food or water
Then pout lips, throw tantrums whenever
I will miss washing your hands, your face
Then pick you up, lock you in embrace
I will miss our afternoon nothings
When we watch shows and play with things
I will miss when you nap on my lap
And still snooze when it’s not enough
I will miss taking selfies with you
Touching your hair, just staring at you
I will miss kissing you every time
Holding and hugging you anytime
I will even miss changing your nappies
To make you comfortable and happy
I will miss singing songs to you
How you laugh in little things I do
There are more things that I will miss
But please always remember this
I love you always and forever
Even if we are not together

– July 22, 2019

Break In My Monotony (Part 2)

You are the break in this endless monotony
You pull me out from the pit of melancholy
You exudes innocence and geniune happiness
You are the beauty in this confusing mess

When I am with you, everything is magic
Even the worries and hardships are majestic
When I am with you, all I see is rainbow
As you make the loads lighter with your radiant glow

‎So thank you for coming into my wild world
Thank you for your warmth in this blistering cold
You change my truth, my life in an amazing way
So I promise to love you each and every day

– October 4, 2019

Break In My Monotony (Part 1)

Wake up, work, go home and repeat
I am exhausted, I am beat
Everyday, I’m facing defeat
This monotony is winning it

So I’m in autopilot each day
Everything’s bleak, everything’s gray
And I can’t seem to find my way
I don’t know how to get through the day

Then in this dullness, I find you
You bring back the colours and hue
And as you wash away my blues
I’m at peace and feel a love that’s true

– October 2, 2019

Shadow

Capture

You see me when there is light
But I fade away in darkness
You think I’m gone, leaving you
But I’m here, waiting for my sun
Your rays that would shine upon me

For you will never be alone
From day to night, from dusk to dawn
Though I seem to disappear
I’m here, watching over you
Allowing you to grow, be free

But when you feel down, worried
Just turn around and you shall see
I never move, I’m never gone
I never really fade away
Despite the absence of your light

I may seem invisible
But I am just holding your hand
With light and even in darkness
I’ll always stand beside you
I’ll forever be your shadow

– September 23, 2019

Go And Explore

Go, explore your world and learn new things
Appreciate the wonder that life brings
Meet people and see your surroundings
I’ll be your wind when you spread your wings

Go, satisfy your curiosity
Look around, seek creativity
Keep your excitement, find the beauty
I’ll have your back ensuring your safety

Go, expand your imagination
Dream, know your purpose and destination
Experience success and frustration
I’ll be right here supporting your passion

– July 31, 2019

Away From You

It feels weird that you’re not here beside
I’m adapting but I miss you terribly
I miss your warmth, hugging me tenderly
Being away from you is killing me

As time goes by it will be easier
But I’m afraid you would not remember
The past year that we spent together
Just you and me creating forever

Please be safe and happy, that’s what I pray
Then I’ll be fine, I’ll make it through the day
If there’s a miracle to find the way
I still wish to be with you or make you stay

– July 30, 2019

This Moment

This is the moment I dreaded
This is the hardest thing ever
And I ask where are we headed
Despite knowing it’s for the better

I want this day to never end
Freeze time when I’m holding you tight
Have an eternity to spend
But we must say goodbye tonight

I know we both need this to grow
If only I could stay, be with you
But it’s now time to let you go
Yet I’m just here, still loving you

– July 29, 2019

A Year Ago

A year ago, 8 pounds of delight arrived
Wrapped with innocence, she made us feel alive
Bundled with pure smile, she marked a beginning
Of new inspiration, purpose and meaning

A year ago, a present came from above
A 20 inch gift swaddled with joy and love
A blessing that will forever be treasured
A real happiness that cannot be measured

A year ago, Alisha Nini was born
My life’s been better, it will never be scorned
Our baby, you always make things beautiful
And to God, I’ll be eternally grateful

– July 10, 2019