Defeated

I fell and I stumbled
I was down, I was troubled
I can’t pick myself up
There was no way to get up
No strength to even try
And all I could do was cry
From despair, from anger
For not having the power
To control my dumb mind
Then command the brain to find
The love and the passion
To seek a motivation
But I only faltered
To defeat, I surrendered

– July 10, 2019

Where Are You?

It gets harder each day
As I try to find my way
I have been everywhere
But I can’t find you there

I’m not myself anymore
There’s a void in my core
I wonder if you’re near
So to erase my fear

Chorus:
Where are you? Where are you?
How can I go back to you?
Where are you? Where are you?
Please tell me what should I do

I miss you terribly
Why did you just leave me?
‎Let’s become one again
Return to love once again

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Oh… I need to be strong
To you is where I belong
I know we’ll be together
Just have faith in forever
But I’m now losing me
So for now please tell me…

Repeat Chorus

Where are you? Where are you?
Please let’s be me and you…

– April 10, 2019

Innocence and Positivity

innocence and positivity

Writer’s Note: I associate positivity with rainbow, hence the picture. I wrote this more than 5 years ago. I just posted it here because I submitted it to Chicken Soup but it wasn’t selected.

Whenever I reach my boiling point, I unintentionally always end up going back to my true passion. For reasons unknown, it triggers my right brain to work. When that happens, I scramble about something or I reread my past writings. Luckily for me, tonight, I ended up doing both.

I don’t usually reread the writings I made earlier than 2005. Why? I don’t know, there was still no confusion prior to 2005 and my writings back then were about love and friendship. I feel that most of those were childish. But tonight was special. I went thru my writings from more than a decade ago. It amazes me. It seems that the writings I made more than a decade ago and the writings I made in the past 5 years were written by two different people! It was very noticeable that I took a break from writing during the years of 2004-2005. And after my short hiatus, things have changed. It gives me awe on how I evolve as a writer. My writing style has definitely changed, even the language I used and obviously, the topics I chose.

Rereading my old writings is like looking at old photo albums or better yet, it’s like reading my diary. What surprises me more is how my attitude has changed. Back in university, my literature professor who is, by the way, one of my influences in writing, told us to ponder on this topic: “What Makes Me Beautiful?”. Back then, I had so much positivity and innocence. Contented and satisfied! Blessings are outpouring! Life is beautiful! Death is beautiful! Everything is beautiful and these make me beautiful!

Somewhere between my confusion and frustrations, somewhere between facing death and failures, I lost my innocence and positivity. I forgot about them while I was growing up. I am too disappointed, too distracted, too focused on just finding answers. I attracted too much negativity and I took for granted the things that really matter.

I need to bring these back. May be I was living in Utopia back then. I know I wouldn’t be able to bring back my old idealistic self but somehow I need that little something from that youngster named (insert my full name here). That’s my take away from tonight. I know I’m not going to have enough sleep tomorrow to face my busy day, but hopefully what I have learned from my old self will keep me awake and will give me the power to survive positively. 🙂

– November 21, 2013

Living In Shadow

lurk in shadows

photo credit to empowertexans.com

I have been living in the shadow of my pen
I want to be out but I just do not know when
I guess I am afraid, I don’t want to let go
I’m holding on to something I don’t even know

My fear is holding me back, I am insecure
I want to explore the what-ifs but I’m unsure
Maybe I will just live in the world of regret
Wait for the time that I’ll be able to forget

Maybe here, I’ll find freedom and serenity
Maybe this place has always been my destiny
Stop wondering what kind of life would be then
Just accept living in the shadow of my pen

– January 7, 2019

Is This? (Vague Questions II)

question marks

photo credit to clipart-library.com

Writer’s Note: Vague Questions I is here.

Is this my destination that will end my searching?
Or another confusion that will keep me longing?

Is this the answer to the questions I’ve been asking?
Or just a new problem that will soon be emerging?

Is this the place to rediscover passion, my drive?
Or just something I will be forced to take to survive?

Oh when will I stop asking these silly, vague questions?
Am I overanalyzing to find solutions?

Why can’t I have faith to this path that I have chosen?
How do I let all doubts and worries be forgotten?

Will I ever reach my dream from all this complaining?
When will I get tired from all this venting and whining?

– February 1, 2018

Melancholy

kathleenmoulton-com

photo credit to kathleenmoulton.com

It’s sucking every inch of my strength
It’s draining every bit of my soul
I am very weak, I am weakened
I’m about to surrender my control

It is slowly eating me alive
Burying me deeper to a hole
Where I can never ever emerge
Where I will never again be whole

And I don’t have a way to resist
Let it suck me, drain me, take my all
Let it bring me to where I belong…
This melancholy has become my all

– March 21, 2018

Lost

kathleenmoulton-com

photo credit to kathleenmoulton.com

It’s a world that I thought is better
Hoping it’s where I’ll discover
Myself, my dream, and my mission
Yet somehow I lose my passion

Then to darkness I surrender
Now I have a lot to ponder

Since I… I’m lost in this journey
I’m confused, I’m losing my will
And I… I am going crazy
Please show me the way to what’s real

It is the path of destruction
And all I have are vague questions
This madness, how long can I bear?
Only you can save me from despair

Then to nothingness I concede
I know I can never be freed

Since I… I’m lost in this journey
I’m confused, I’m losing my will
And I… I am going crazy
Please show me the way to what’s real

Oh I… I’m lost in this journey
Please lead me to something that’s real…

– September 11, 2017