Madness

People think I maybe crazy
Crazy to seek for something
Something that will satisfy me
Me, myself and the life I’m living

Yes, you can call me insane
Insane for wanting to be free
Free from all the hurt and pain
Pain from loving you so deeply

Of course, I am eccentric
Eccentric to be alone
Alone so I would not get sick
Sick from pleasing the world I own

Madness – this was my story
Story of the life I once lived
Lived with regrets just to feel sorry
Sorry for me so I can again live

– February 24, 2020

Find Me, Save Me

I am hesitant to go beyond
To go far and see what is out there
I’m lost, waiting and wanting to be found
Look for me then take me to wherever

I am afraid to brave this world alone
To walk this life without you by my side
But I am currently in the unknown
Seek for me then let’s take my fears in stride

I’m scared to face any uncertainty
To take risks and overcome my madness
Maybe you can give me some clarity
Search for me then save me from my distress

– February 12, 2020

It

I felt it flowing through my blood
It was crawling under my skin
I was unable to shake it off
A leech sucking my very all

It is devouring me
Slowly, it is becoming me
There’s just no way to resist it
A vulture feasting on my soul

With time, I’m now enjoying it
Gradually, I’m embracing it
I always fail to defeat it
A demon now taking control

– February 4, 2020

Anxious

I live in anxiety
Of the unknown
Of all uncertainties
Of all risks

It is irrational
It is illogical
But I’m a slave
I’m under its spell

I am trapped
It’s controlling me
Fear is taking over
Soon I’ll find my end

Then it will be done
As I succumb to it
And to nothingness
That’s where I’ll be

– May 12, 2019

Living In Shadow

lurk in shadows

photo credit to empowertexans.com

I have been living in the shadow of my pen
I want to be out but I just do not know when
I guess I am afraid, I don’t want to let go
I’m holding on to something I don’t even know

My fear is holding me back, I am insecure
I want to explore the what-ifs but I’m unsure
Maybe I will just live in the world of regret
Wait for the time that I’ll be able to forget

Maybe here, I’ll find freedom and serenity
Maybe this place has always been my destiny
Stop wondering what kind of life would be then
Just accept living in the shadow of my pen

– January 7, 2019

Regress

kingofwallpapers

photo credit to kingofwallpapers.com

I used to wake up with a dream
Of words engulfing my passion
Where I find the inspiration
To move on, explore and be free

I used to hear a melody
Of songs I wanted to be sung
Then use my imagination
To write the lyrics from my heart

But things are changing, I have changed
Somehow I find myself regressing
‎Doubts and fears are resurfacing
And slowly… slowly… I’ll be back…

To the darkness… to nothingness…

– November 5, 2018

Drought (Part 3)

drought

photo credit to cdc.gov

Have you ever experienced the mind suddenly stop?
When there are no more thoughts, no more ideas
And the words are left hanging, floating in midair

Have you ever wondered where they all went?
Then you tried to search deeper looking for inspiration
But then nothing! The words you needed were gone

Have you ever told yourself to take a break, that it will pass?
You put your pen down, logged off from your PC, paused for a while
Then when you came back, you were still muddling

Have you ever wondered if it will all go back?
Like 1+1=2 or riding a bike, it is going to be as easy as that
But then you ask yourself when would that be…

Then you started to wonder “is this the start of the end?”
A peak has been reached, now it’s time to descend
Have you ever been afraid that rain will never come again?

Because I’m clearly in drought…
I am drained…
I am afraid…

– July 3, 2018

Vague Questions

question marks

photo credit to clipart-library.com

I’m tired from this endless search for passion
I’m running in loops without direction
I keep whining – I’m a broken record
How can my mind and heart reach an accord?

Insecurities are resurfacing
And all my doubts are no longer hiding
I’m crying for help, bursting into tears
Oh, why am I surrounded by my fears?

Can I stop counting the hours and days?
What should I do to figure out the ways?
My vision, my dream – they’re nowhere in sight
Oh please tell me! How do I see the light?

– September 1, 2017

Keep The Chase

Sometimes I am hitting a wall
I can’t pass through it, I am stuck
It would be the end, my downfall
And all I can hear is the clock
Counting ’til the death of my all

But I wish for time to stop ticking
It’s the sound I refuse to hear
Can the world stop from spinning
And shelter myself from my fear
To standstill ’til a new beginning

Sometimes I run but reach a cliff
There’s nowhere to go, should I leap
It’s suicide and it would be brief
Accept the end, just take a deep
Then wander in oblivion without grief

But I don’t want to be in that place
I need to get away from that cage
I am afraid to drift in space
So I’ll fight to not reach that stage
It’s my battle to keep the chase

– March 1, 2017

My Fear

Understandfasting - com

photo credit to understandfasting.com

Author’s Note: This is about being unsure and feeling that my creativity will soon reach its limits. It is also about falling off the wagon, about going back to the old ways, and about being confused again.

Are you afraid to wake up one morning when you could no longer draw any inspirations?
Wherever you look, wherever you search, everything is distraction
Then the words are gone, they could no longer be heard, written nor spoken
You don’t know what but something is obviously broken

You lie in bed, stare at the clock, watch the hours slowly pass by
A battle in your head, you can’t control it and all you could do is cry
You are back to square one where everything is confusion
You try to escape but your resistance pulls you more in that direction

Are you afraid to only see blur and your mind is blind folded?
It’s a chaos but it’s reality and sadly, this is where you are headed
You flip around, you try not to think but clearly, you are losing it
No matter how hard you try, it’s a vicious loop and there is no exit

You world is crumbling, it’s insanity, you asked, “Is it the end?”
There is no way out, it’s a free fall and all you could do is just to descend…
Are you afraid to wake up one morning realizing you no longer have inspirations?
And welcome you back to the world where everything is question and confusion?

Are you afraid?

I am.

– January 15, 2016