I Will Find My Passion Again

quoteaddicts-com

photo credit to quoteaddicts.com

I used to have drive and now I have none
I have no inspirations, my fire is gone
Can’t you see this is what boredom has done!
Now I’m back to chaos, back to square one

So I went to the pit and endured the pain
Just to look for passion and be whole again
I searched everywhere but all was in vain
Now I’m lost, defeated and mentally drained

So back to drawing board, figure this out
I need to find you no matter which route
I refuse to fail but I should have no doubt
It’s the start; it’s what passion is all about

– August 31, 2016

In Search Of Fire (My 2016 So Far)

genius

photo credit to genius.com

My fire, drive and passion vanished without a trace
I was in denial, I thought it was just a phase
I endured the loss until I cannot take this place
Now, I vow to find you no matter what I’ll face

My 2016 so far can be summed in 3 words – My Fire Disappeared. It didn’t happen in an instant, it was painfully gradual. Looking back, it started sometime the second quarter of last year. If you’re waking up each day and you’re not looking forward to your day then something is clearly wrong. I was already feeling it but my mind was refusing to accept. I thought it was just a phase, the aftermath of change but after a year of battling with my head, I can no longer deny it. I had to embrace that my fire, my drive, and my passion* – they disappeared. I am not happy with my job and I have become what I have dreaded, a zombie worker!

So what now? When you’re not happy with your job, quit, right? Always easier said than done. I was waiting for ‘the’ day for practical and financial reasons. Besides, I already know that writing is my passion. I’m happy that my boredom paved the way for what I am capable of – from writing dark plots to mushy song-like poems to something less personal but I’m not talking about this passion. I’m talking about the motivation and passion towards my day job. Let’s face it, I cannot quit yet nor shift to writing. I need money and despite all my rant, I actually enjoy my profession (note: profession is different from actual job). At first I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to write if I were to quit my job so I was a bit hesitant. But while enduring the loss of my drive, I gained confidence that I can and I will write no matter what I do for a living. I am no longer confused. Painfully and gradually, I accepted that this work is not just my cup of tea. It doesn’t give me a sense of fulfillment; it only gives me boredom. So what do I do now?

Of course… I just have to write about what I’m feeling and voila! Instant poem! But seriously, I badly need my fire back. I guess writing about it is the start. Writing until finally accepting the situation. Eventually, I got sick and tired about my rant so it’s time to take action and find a new job. But hold on, what about ‘the’ day? I only have a general plan but it’s not clear-cut but (with fingers crossed) if something comes along, I would not think twice. If I can leave this misery now, that would be priceless, right? Why wait for ‘the’ day?

I am currently in limbo, waiting for a call, hoping for an offer.** The future is uncertain but I choose to believe in destiny. Destiny gives me something to hope for. Destiny assures me that things will always be for the better. Blind faith! If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. But I need to do something to be a step closer to my destiny and find my fire! I will not find it unless I step out from this miserable yet comfortable state. I hope my next moves would be the right and the only way to it. Well, if things don’t work out, then I’ll just have to endure more and extend this detour, then hope to learn a different perspective. Regardless of what’s going to happen, I’m sure, eventually, I will get there and find my fire, my drive, and my passion back. It’s destiny!

So here’s to the rest of 2016!

Here’s to finding my passion again!

My fire, drive and passion vanished without a trace
I was in denial, I thought it was just a phase
I endured the loss until I cannot take this place
Now, I vow to find you no matter what I’ll face

* I often use the words fire, drive, and passion interchangeably.
** As of posting, I got an offer and accepted a new job. Hopefully this is one way to finding my fire again.

– September 12, 2016

Chasing Fire

Fire_in_the_Eye_Wallpaper

photo credit to richardlionel.wordpress.com

I have been running now I’m beat
I’m frustrated from chasing it

It vanished without any rational
Pffft! It just went on sabbatical

Yet it might be relaxing somewhere
In a far, hidden place called nowhere

Maybe it doesn’t want to be found
But its loss feels like I’m being drowned

Now this seems like a hopeless case
Please lead me, tell me how to face!

I searched everywhere and reached my limit
But I refuse to accept my defeat

So, show up before I lose my vision
Come on! Just end this hibernation!

– July 29, 2016

I Am Fading…

I can’t sleep. I’m feeling restless.
I keep on flipping around.
Trying to figure out something
But come out with nothing.
I stare at the ceiling.
I look at the clock.
It’s past 1 and my head’s still spinning.
I must sleep and rest.
Tomorrow is another workday.
But my mind is still wide awake.
It’s searching for the impossible;
Trying to find ways to surpass this.
Yet no matter how hard I think,
I always go back to zero – to nothing!

It’s been more than a year.
I take detours; I divert my frustrations.
My fear has gradually become my reality.
I must face this now, no way to deflect it.
I tell myself to have faith, to let it be.
But I am not convinced. I am fading…

And I just always end up anxious,
without really solving anything –
Where’s my passion? Where’s my fire?
What had gone wrong? Why did it die?
How do I bring it back? How do I be inspired?
I am slowly fading into the night…

– May 2, 2016

Zombie Worker (Just Rambling)

Author’s Note: This is still related to my previous posts, “I Want To Be” and “But…”; I was thinking of using the same photo in those posts for continuity but I thought it’s funnier to use these zombie workers instead.

My fire is slowly dying. Once it’s gone, I’m afraid I’ll become a zombie worker who just wakes up each day, goes to work, does the job, waits until the day is over, goes home, enjoys the night with the family then repeats the same routine next day. You see them in the office everyday disguising themselves as hardworkers. They could be anyone from the slackers to the top performers. Only one way to distinguish them is through their eyes – there are no sparks in them. They’re in auto-pilot mode and just have a mindset of “let’s just do the job!”. For zombie workers, the main motivation for work is money – it’s all about paying the bills. There’s nothing wrong with that since they earn money and they accomplish the job but it’s wasted talent, and definitely wasted time, if money is the main driving force.

I’m dragging myself each day to work and all I can think about is how I badly want to retire and/or write. I want to pursue writing but I don’t know the next steps. For now, I just want to continue writing and rambling on my thoughts but I want to write more – I want to explore all the possibilities, I want to write about all the ideas in my head but somehow, they don’t come out smoothly. I hit a wall; I’m stuck and I’m uninspired. I don’t know why, may be this zombie virus is impacting my creative juices. How do I turn this around? I don’t know… I hope this is just a phase.

Why is it that I’m enjoying my job and yet I’m not excited about it? Why is it that I like it and yet I’m so bored with it? Why is it that I still find it challenging and yet I’m not looking forward to learn more about it? Why is it that despite the busy schedule and tight deadlines I still don’t feel the adrenaline rush? Why is it that in spite of being recognized I still don’t feel proud? It’s dull! Oh, why?

There’s only one word to explain – PASSION.

I am gradually turning into a zombie worker because of passion – the absence of it. I just had an epiphany that this job is not for me but even if I change job or go back to my previous one, I will encounter this same problem because of the lack of that word. If I would take that route, I would probably have more responsibilities, more stress and less time. Then, I would have an instant escape from what I am truly feeling and not deal with this. Here in my current job, I have some idle time and I can’t help but think about this. So, do I divert and take a detour or do I drive right into it and face it now?

I don’t really have any problem, do I? I’m just so bored and I don’t know how to bring back the fire in me. I guess, I just have to learn how to embrace this and figure out a way to create smoke in my day-to-day work life and prevent the fire from dying. Embracing it doesn’t mean that I will fully turn into a zombie worker but it’s for me to find a cure to this virus asap. I need to search for something to look forward to in each waking workday, whatever that is. May be writing while idle is the start then hopefully this will evolve to more than just rambling.

Reminder to self:

Don’t you want to be a driver, a learner, a dreamer?
Or did you forget about your goal to make things better?
Isn’t it that it’s about becoming a great writer?
Then why are you turning into a zombie worker?

– August 11, 2015