I Will Find My Passion Again

quoteaddicts-com

photo credit to quoteaddicts.com

I used to have drive and now I have none
I have no inspirations, my fire is gone
Can’t you see this is what boredom has done!
Now I’m back to chaos, back to square one

So I went to the pit and endured the pain
Just to look for passion and be whole again
I searched everywhere but all was in vain
Now I’m lost, defeated and mentally drained

So back to drawing board, figure this out
I need to find you no matter which route
I refuse to fail but I should have no doubt
It’s the start; it’s what passion is all about

– August 31, 2016

In Search Of Fire (My 2016 So Far)

genius

photo credit to genius.com

My fire, drive and passion vanished without a trace
I was in denial, I thought it was just a phase
I endured the loss until I cannot take this place
Now, I vow to find you no matter what I’ll face

My 2016 so far can be summed in 3 words – My Fire Disappeared. It didn’t happen in an instant, it was painfully gradual. Looking back, it started sometime the second quarter of last year. If you’re waking up each day and you’re not looking forward to your day then something is clearly wrong. I was already feeling it but my mind was refusing to accept. I thought it was just a phase, the aftermath of change but after a year of battling with my head, I can no longer deny it. I had to embrace that my fire, my drive, and my passion* – they disappeared. I am not happy with my job and I have become what I have dreaded, a zombie worker!

So what now? When you’re not happy with your job, quit, right? Always easier said than done. I was waiting for ‘the’ day for practical and financial reasons. Besides, I already know that writing is my passion. I’m happy that my boredom paved the way for what I am capable of – from writing dark plots to mushy song-like poems to something less personal but I’m not talking about this passion. I’m talking about the motivation and passion towards my day job. Let’s face it, I cannot quit yet nor shift to writing. I need money and despite all my rant, I actually enjoy my profession (note: profession is different from actual job). At first I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to write if I were to quit my job so I was a bit hesitant. But while enduring the loss of my drive, I gained confidence that I can and I will write no matter what I do for a living. I am no longer confused. Painfully and gradually, I accepted that this work is not just my cup of tea. It doesn’t give me a sense of fulfillment; it only gives me boredom. So what do I do now?

Of course… I just have to write about what I’m feeling and voila! Instant poem! But seriously, I badly need my fire back. I guess writing about it is the start. Writing until finally accepting the situation. Eventually, I got sick and tired about my rant so it’s time to take action and find a new job. But hold on, what about ‘the’ day? I only have a general plan but it’s not clear-cut but (with fingers crossed) if something comes along, I would not think twice. If I can leave this misery now, that would be priceless, right? Why wait for ‘the’ day?

I am currently in limbo, waiting for a call, hoping for an offer.** The future is uncertain but I choose to believe in destiny. Destiny gives me something to hope for. Destiny assures me that things will always be for the better. Blind faith! If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. But I need to do something to be a step closer to my destiny and find my fire! I will not find it unless I step out from this miserable yet comfortable state. I hope my next moves would be the right and the only way to it. Well, if things don’t work out, then I’ll just have to endure more and extend this detour, then hope to learn a different perspective. Regardless of what’s going to happen, I’m sure, eventually, I will get there and find my fire, my drive, and my passion back. It’s destiny!

So here’s to the rest of 2016!

Here’s to finding my passion again!

My fire, drive and passion vanished without a trace
I was in denial, I thought it was just a phase
I endured the loss until I cannot take this place
Now, I vow to find you no matter what I’ll face

* I often use the words fire, drive, and passion interchangeably.
** As of posting, I got an offer and accepted a new job. Hopefully this is one way to finding my fire again.

– September 12, 2016

On Being Lazy

photo obtained from splatter.com

photo obtained from splatter.com

Author’s Note: This was written more than 3 years ago but just posting it now in my blog. Enjoy 🙂

Boxer, a legendary Starcraft progamer, once said “My laziness is my most fearful enemy. Defeat is the acceptance of my own laziness.”

May be that’s why I always feel defeated…

Yesterday was a start of another “lazy” week. I went to work, finished my draft report, went home and suddenly while browsing through my facebook account, I came across this test – “Which of the 7 Deadly Sins Are You?”. I took the quiz, and taddah!!! Obviously, I’m a SLOTH!!! I could never contest and just laughed out loud with the results!

It seems that it has been years since I started to feel sooo lazy, but in fact, it has just been a month. I totally hate this feeling, I want to do something productive, make most of my time, and avoid sleeping.

I really do not know how I was able to accomplish my work and finished two volumes of my studies when in fact I’m feeling lazy and getting even lazier each day. The facts are I really enjoy my work and I really want to pass this exam and gain my title and finally have my free time but I feel demotivated somehow.

Ever since my mother suffered a heart attack last month, I felt this laziness… I know it’s not even related, it’s not even a cause-and-effect but may be just may be subconsciously, I realize that life is too short so why spend it on something/s that isn’t or aren’t your true happiness. Though I’ve said that I enjoy doing those things, here’s another fact – THOSE AREN’T MY PASSION AND MY HAPPINESS!

Here I go again… Whenever I hate myself for being lazy, every little frustration that I have comes flashing before my eyes – “if only I’m not living in a third world country”, “if only being a history and literature geek could give me more money”, “if only…”. Who’s to blame anyway?

So I chose this life, no one and not even a single soul pushed me to do this so I have no right to feel this way. Even if I were to take a chance to change my life, to have a career shift, I know I wouldn’t simply because I don’t want to and I wouldn’t want to be out of my comfort zone nor to start anew – I would definitely regret that if I do.

Going back to the quiz I took – after taking it, surprisingly, I was able to focus on my studies and finish a reading before I went to bed last night. And as I write this, I feel happy since I’ve wanted to write this since last week but I feel so lazy to sit down and write.

I just had an epiphany with that quiz – sometimes I just need someone or something to tell frankly to my face who I am and that when I will realize that I don’t want to be this person. It’s not just accepting what I have become but also overcoming it.

I don’t have to psych myself and search for reasons why I feel demotivated or lazy. Passion or not, as long I still enjoy those, all I have to do is “suit up” – I mean get up and do those things and recognize that the outcome of those would be truly rewarding.

I definitely feel like a victor after finishing one of my readings, being able to watch some of my favorite stuffs and had a good night sleep.

I hope that I could finally overcome this laziness… hoping to be more productive tonight and the next day and night and the next…

It’s quite ironic that I started my first writing for the year 2009 on thoughts of being lazy. I hope I started it right…

– written on March 17, 2009