I Am Fading…

I can’t sleep. I’m feeling restless.
I keep on flipping around.
Trying to figure out something
But come out with nothing.
I stare at the ceiling.
I look at the clock.
It’s past 1 and my head’s still spinning.
I must sleep and rest.
Tomorrow is another workday.
But my mind is still wide awake.
It’s searching for the impossible;
Trying to find ways to surpass this.
Yet no matter how hard I think,
I always go back to zero – to nothing!

It’s been more than a year.
I take detours; I divert my frustrations.
My fear has gradually become my reality.
I must face this now, no way to deflect it.
I tell myself to have faith, to let it be.
But I am not convinced. I am fading…

And I just always end up anxious,
without really solving anything –
Where’s my passion? Where’s my fire?
What had gone wrong? Why did it die?
How do I bring it back? How do I be inspired?
I am slowly fading into the night…

– May 2, 2016

Lurk In Shadows (Part 3)

lurk in shadows

photo credit to empowertexans.com

Author’s Note: This is part 3 and probably the final part. Perhaps I should continue the story but let’s see if I’ll find some time and inspiration to do so. Here’s part 1 and part 2.

Where no one bothers, I’m at my best at night
It’s when I let go and have a taste of life
It’s the anticipation, hoping for a chance
It’s the dreaming, it’s staring at you from afar

It’s the wait, the excitement to see you in sight
When you’re here at last, it’s that rush to get me high
When you’re nonchalant, unmindful and carefree
To watch your every move, that’s my liberty

Imagine my surprise when I saw you at lunch
I was exposed, my invisibility’s gone
Confused, not sure I’d like us to meet right now
As I’m contented to lurk in shadows for now

– November 10, 2015

Lurk In Shadows (Part 2)

photo credit to empowertexans.com

photo credit to empowertexans.com

Author’s Note: Here’s Lurk In Shadows (Part 1).

Quietly minding and eating my lunch
Then a Goddess of Beauty appears! You!
You sit beside me, place your tray then smile
Forced myself to smile lamely back at you

This is the moment, my one and only chance
Building my courage to speak and say hi
I open my mouth but no words come out
Can’t move! I feel my heart is about to blast

Where’s Harry Potter’s cloak when I need one?
Damn! I was caught off guard in broad daylight
Now you’re leaving without even saying bye
Got no choice but to lurk in shadows tonight

– November 9, 2015

Lurk In Shadows (Part 1)

photo credit to empowertexans.com

photo credit to empowertexans.com

Author’s Note: I’ve been wanting to write a short story but I’m struggling with it so I’ll try this instead. Let’s see if I can make a short story through poetry. I’ll do this in part. I have 3 inspirations for the first part: (1) You by Caroline Kepnes and (2) Dexter by Jeff Lindsay, and the main inspiration is (3) Dark Templar, a unit in Blizzard’s Starcraft video game.

Lurking in shadows, hiding from moonlight
Counting time, observing the passersby
Hoping to have a glance of you tonight
Wondering if you will ever cross my path

Been staring at the horizon, where are you?
Trying to be patient, what must I do?
It’s getting late, I must go now, my love
My effort has failed, this is all non-sense

Morning has come, now I do my routine
But something seems off, it just doesn’t fit
Ignore and carry on; wait for the dusk
Then lurk in shadows in the usual spot.

– November 6, 2015

Dream (Cold Dark Night)

photo obtained from: https://www.flickr.com/photos/107745485@N05/10814232105 (posted by userid nicole6hall in flickr.com

photo obtained from: https://www.flickr.com/photos/107745485@N05/10814232105 (posted by userid nicole6hall in flickr.com

Authors’ Notes:
1. I originally wrote this ages ago – during my teen years – for my crush. 😉 Teenage crush, what a nostalgic feeling!
2. I’ve been wanting to rewrite/edit my past writings so here’s what I’ve (re)written on my way to work this morning. The original is also posted here. I still want to keep the original words/phrases as much as possible to stay true to my emotions and state at the time of writing. I also want to change the title to “Cold Dark Night”, so I just put it in ().

Every time I pause and close my eyes
It’s you I see even in the dark
You’re standing there, beneath the moonlight
You’re waiting for something, may be someone
I could almost feel your heart’s beating fast
Oh, did you just feel that cool breeze blow by?
For at last I see you smiling tonight

Even if this night is cold and dark
You bring warmth and light to the spot
Then, I hear your voice, soft gentle whispers –
Whispers that are loud and clear to my heart
And now we’re getting closer and closer
I could almost touch you but suddenly you’re gone
Then it just hit me! These are not real
All these are only in my sleep…

Original:

Every time I pause and close my eyes
I always see you even in the dark
You’re standing there, waiting for someone to come
I see you underneath the moonlight,
I could almost feel your heart’s beating so fast
You could almost feel the cool breeze blowing by
At last, I see you smiling in the dark

Even if it is cold and dark,
You still brighten up the spot.
There, I hear your whispers,
Loud and clear to my heart
It seems like we are getting even closer,
But you go away and leave me behind
Cause I know, these things aren’t real,
These things are only in my sleep…

– originally written on September 21, 1998

My Last Verse (years after – “and so i thought”)

Author’s Note (more like a disclaimer): I don’t have any suicidal thoughts or anything but during my teen years, somehow I thought I was going to die young so I wrote these verses way back almost 15 years ago. And… I also used to write long stanzas without really editing my thoughts and writing so this is a long poem.

Black clouds surround me
As I see the darkness of the night
The stars lose their lights
And the moon is covered by clouds

As I sit here all alone
I remember everything in my life
Searching for nothing or anything
Except for death that will come

My past walks on by –
I realize the mistakes I had
The present is now here –
But I still can’t bear this emptiness I feel

And so for now, sorry
To those I had hurt and loved
I don’t know what this is all about
But all I ask is forgiveness and love

They may not know and see
That my love for them is so real
So before this life would end,
I say I love them all with all my heart

I thank them for the love,
For all the joys and sorrows I had,
I thank you so much but still –
But still, I need and want to say goodbye…

Though, loneliness I feel
I’m still happy for this eternal gift
And thank Him for all the things
That He had given me for all those wonderful years

This may be my last verse
And so I share this all to you
And please feel the love and care I want to share
Now, allow me to sleep and rest…

Scent of candles is in the air…
Lovely flowers are there to share…
A beautifully-blue bed is waiting there…
And it’s okay if I can’t feel love and care…

My soul will soon be free
There are no regrets in me
So let me fly in the sky
And now take everything away from me…

And now I close my eyes
I see a wonderful sun that shines,
A rainbow that is full of life,
And now I can feel a love that awaits for me…

I may not see tomorrow…
I may not live to see the blue skies again…
I know I’ll never go too far…
And I’ll be too young, yet contented and peaceful to die…

– written on July 5, 2000