One Summer

Writer’s Note: This is the hospital where I gave birth one summer day/night.

The excitement is all around
I hear joyful music and sound
‎Somebody is arriving
In this fine summer morning

But seems we’re waiting in vain
Anticipation’s a pain
Is she really coming soon?
In this summer afternoon?

‎It gets harder by the second
It seems I’m dying, I reckon
No more strength but keep pushing
It’s been a long summer evening

Now exhaustion is all around
When will a miracle be found?
Then she finally shines her light
In this beautiful summer night

– August 28, 2018

37+ Weeks

Belly’s so heavy and it’s still growing
Joint pains in hands and feet; they’re swollen
And I’m itchy all over, can’t sleep
Tossing and turning is not helping
“Mind over matter” – also not working
Then I need to pee for the nth time
Now I am fully awake, annoyed

Then I think about you, our little one
I feel your kicks, your stretches inside
Your ways to tell me you’re safe and sound
All nuisances are suddenly gone
My annoyance turns into a smile
Now I have strength for pain and discomfort
As I dream about us three, I’ll be fine

– July 10, 2018

To Our Little One

Capture

Writer’s Note: I’ve given birth about 3 weeks ago; this poem was when I was about 5 months pregnant. The sonogram was when she was about 9-week old in my tummy. It’s amazing how a baby, even if he/she hasn’t been born yet, can affect the parents’ lives!

You brighten up our world, putting a smile to my face
I look forward to each day as you put me in a place
Where everything is beautiful and all is positive
Where frustrations are forgotten, now with new perspective

We’ve wanted to see each glimpse of how you are growing
And feel each little move you make and all the kicking
It’s uncomfortable but it’s a wonderful state
This feeling, it’s definitely strange yet it’s so great

We’re giving you life but you give our lives a new meaning
We’re so excited for you and experience your blessing
Four more months before you join your mommy and daddy
For now, just focus on being well, our little baby

– April 3, 2018

Insomnia

My legs hurt
My arms feel strange
My body seems twisted
I keep flipping on my bed
I close my eyes
Yet I find them open again
I am restless
Should I run?
Do some chores?
But I won’t, I can’t
It’s physically impossible
So I surf the net, read whatever
I try to write, write whatever
Then my stomach growls
But I don’t have the appetite
So I just check the clock
It’s been more than an hour
Soon I’ll have to work
So try to breathe… Relax!
Forget the pain
Don’t mind the discomfort
Leave any thoughts
Think of happy thoughts
Then count sheeps
But nothing’s working
And I’m running out of ideas
My head is not at its best
I have no more juice
I am so drained
I am exhausted
Yet I am wide awake
Somehow, I couldn’t manage
I just couldn’t fall asleep…

– May 30, 2018

I Never Imagine

Capture

I never imagine
A bond could be so strong
A love happening in an instant
Just finding out about you
Not even seeing you in person
But just knowing you are here
Breathing, growing with me
You are a miracle, a blessing

I never imagine
That time can actually pause
That Earth can stop from spinning –
That was when we finally saw
A small glimpse of you
Your tiny heart beating fast
The focus was on you
Only you, our little one

I never imagine
I could be this person
A whole new different me –
I must confess, it feels odd
Yet it feels wonderful
Knowing there could be a future
With you, the three of us
Growing together, embracing this life

I never ever imagine
We could bring a new life to this world…

– January 30, 2018

The Story Of 2017

2017

photo credit to commons.wikimedia.rog

This is a long overdue wrap up. I started writing this 2 months prior to the end of 2017 but morning (read: all-day) sickness came up.

Anyway, here’s my 2017 in one sentence: 2017 started as normal then halfway and through the end, it was full of surprises and excitement.

—–

January to June was uneventful. I lived a normal life, still searching, then gradually accepting, the loss of passion. Then in July, as I was reflecting what transpired halfway through the year, my spouse experienced a career setback – he was laid off (Surprise #1).

It was tough but it was easier than I initially expected. We were positive things will turn out fine although we considered options on what to do in case he’ll be unemployed for a longer time. But with prayers, opportunity, and luck, he was able to get a new job after in about 3 months. Actually, his being laid off became a blessing in disguise (Surprise #2). Things turned out better. We also got to spend more time playing Pokemon Go and met new people while raiding bosses.*

As for my work life and as already mentioned, I started the year with full of hopes about again finding my passion and drive. But nothing happened then I gradually came to peace that I can no longer bring back the same passion I had 5 or so years ago. Maybe that’s part of growing up (or growing old?). Besides, my day job will never be the centre of my life.

However, when things didn’t add up at work, I knew something was not right. So by end of Aug/early Sep, I started to look for a new job again (Surprise #3). Not even 1 year into my current job! But fortunately, I found one that suits me. I had a small pay cut but it’s what I want to do – it’s the one that I can enjoy and can stomach so I can face each work day. Leaving was definitely bittersweet as I really like the people at my work place but I can’t stay for them. We’ll touch base for sure, and we actually do :).

I guess things are meant to happen that way. Meet new people and friends, learn new things then off to another journey. With this new job, I didn’t have any expectations at all. I didn’t even think about rekindling my passion. I just let things be with only hope that this is the job that would make me stay put.

Then after about a week in my new job, we got the final and biggest surprise of the year. We found out that we’re expecting (SURPRISE #4)! Hold on… before finding out about the pregnancy, I wrote this in early Nov:

I want –
To smile and end my work misery
To look forward to each work day
To continue an active lifestyle
To achieve a work-life balance
To not ever live with regrets
And of course, I want
To write all possibilities
Are these too much to ask?
Will I get these at last?

—–

So came the last month of 2017… well, hello there little one. Who would have thought we’re going to have a baby? People around us, though most of them are pressuring us, know that we’re a couple who’s content on being just the two of us. We let the universe decide if we’re going to be 3, and so here we are with this abundant blessing.

December was the toughest and it felt like the longest month ever. Despite the holidays and the festive season, I was really having the worst changes ever. It’s hard enough that I was adjusting with the new work, but it was harder when my body was going through a lot of changes. Oh, the lack of caffeine, the nausea, the vomiting, the over-sensitive sense of smell, and the insatiable hunger!!! Oh man! I never thought it would be this hard. I’m struggling until now but surviving. I don’t like being pregnant but I’m so excited to have a little one. No pain, no gain, eh?

Now, I’m almost done with my first trimester. With fingers crossed, hopefully it would be better and the little one will grow well, strong, and healthy. So now, I’m revising what I want for 2018:

I want –
To write all possibilities
To continue knowing You
To have all the best for the little one
To welcome and enjoy parenthood
To live free with no regrets…
Here’s to an exciting 2018!

And of course, as my wrap-up tradition goes, I’m still singing and dancing in Bollywood style:

All izz well
Woot woot woot
Hey bro, all izz well…

*I just have to mention Pokemon since it accompanied me during my bleak work days.

– January 11, 2018 07:19

Insatiable

An unsatisfying hunger
A thirst for blood
The sight of the first drop
Then the world just stops

I long for the meat
I lust for the flesh
It’s mind boggling
It’s uncontrollable

Eat and be filled
Drink and be pleased
Give in to the urge
Yet it’s insatiable

It wants more
It needs more
More flesh…
More blood…

Until there’s nothing left
Nothing more to bleed…

– December 11, 2017