What Else To Do (New Year)

2020

How time flies, another year has gone
Yet a lot of things are still undone
What else to do but to continue
Finish what has started then pull through

Welcome the new year by moving on
Life is too short so just carry on
What else to do but to let things go
Forget the past, look forward then grow

Hoping the new year would be fruitful
Remove the worries, just be peaceful
What else to do but to ignore all fears
Smile through the pain but for now let’s cheers

Cheers to 2019!
Cheers to 2020!

– January 16, 2020

The Story Of 2019

2019

Writer’s Note: Read the bottom part for a poem about my 2019.

What’s the highlight of my year? I went back to work, let baby be independent at daycare and dealt with work while taking care of baby when she was sick. And she got sick a lot! The longest stretch that she didn’t get sick was 2.5 weeks. But this happened on the second half of the year. The first half of the year was a bliss. I enjoyed spending time with her. I loved watching her grow and seeing her reach each milestone. It was and it will always be very fulfilling to be her mom.

Having a kid really changed everything. Before, I only sum up my year based on my work and writing struggles or death of a loved one but now everything revolves around the baby. I don’t like using the word “mature” whenever one talks about parenthood. I’d say this is just totally different perspectives and priorities but not necessarily mean maturity. One can mature with or without a kid. So what’s my point? Nothing really, I just want to say that my priorities have changed over the year. I don’t know if I have matured but things have changed to the point that I couldn’t even think about what to write. I don’t even know if they are correlated but it’s ironic that in spite of all the happy vibes of having my baby in my life, I struggled so much with my writing.

Oh 2019… I was so inspired, so blessed, so happy yet I felt that I reached my peak and gradually descending. I felt like there were no more words left in my brain and I found myself constantly squeezing whatever creative juice left. I wonder if the lack of video game, books and exercise contributed to my drought. Or maybe, it was always just easier to express my thoughts if they were dark or sad. And since I was in a happy place, I ran out of ideas This phase seemed to last longer than I wished.

So for this year, I just hope I could play games, read books and do some workout again. Not because they would replenish my elixir but this is me. Somehow a part of me was lost in 2019 and I need it back to become me again. I never regret becoming a mom but I also need my pre-mom self. This year, I’m looking forward to getting back those hobbies that were lost and of course I’m so excited to see my baby grow up. I’m so excited to see the world in a brand new way with my family. I just need to learn how to adjust and juggle all things that I want to accomplish.

Anyways, to sum 2019 up in a poem…

2019 was a bliss, I was inspired
Yet I found myself stuck, drained and tired
I ran out of words, I’ve nothing to say
Hoping this year I’ll have a better way

This drought has been the longest, it seems
It is slowly diminishing my dreams
To explore what’s beyond me, to write more
Will it end this year? Will I ever soar?

But also…

I loved spending each moment with you
You gave my life a different view
The past years were just full of beauty
Excited for the next years with my baby

– January 9, 2020

To My Baby

My heart breaks in millions of pieces
I wish I could take away your sickness
But all I could do is say a prayer
Hoping for you to soon recover

This is tough, it’s been the longest week
Watching you struggle makes me so weak
But I need to be strong to be your rock
So l can hold you and pat your back

You can cry, our little brave soldier
I am right here, offering my shoulders
I will hug you and tell you it’s all right
This will pass, I’m sure you’ll survive this plight

– December 31, 2019

Nothing To Say (Part 3)

photo credit to curnblog.com

I’m running out of ideas
Sadly, there’s no panacea
It’s frustrating, this is so tough
All my effort is not enough

I have plenty of excuses
Instead of searching for fixes
But I cannot go on, I’m stuck
I can’t even find lady luck

I continue to squeeze my brain
But I’m only getting insane
And I still cannot find my way
That’s it, there’s nothing more to say

– December 4, 2019

Nothing To Say (Part 2)

photo credit to curnblog.com

I have nothing to say
I can’t figure out a way
Please help me understand
How do I take command
When words are slipping away
How do I make them stay

Soon, they will disappear
What’s left is my renewed fear
Tell me this will be solved
Only a phase to evolve
But with a blurred vision
I’ll live without a mission

I am hitting a wall
Exhaustion is in control
I wish to be inspired
But the mind is blank, it’s tired
Slowly, they will be gone
Maybe this is it… I’m done!

– November 29, 2019

Nothing To Say (Part 1)

barton_fink-typewriter1

photo credit to curnblog.com

A blurred vision
A faded passion
Lost and confused
But I refuse
To give up and quit
And face defeat

With a faint dream
An absence of gleam
Everything’s bleak
I feel so weak
And there’s no more word
Please help me, Lord

– November 27, 2019

Letter To A First Crush

letter

photo credit to sharpenet.com

My heart skips a beat with only a glance from you
My heart melts when I see you smile out of the blue
I’m giddy, excited but don’t know what to do
This is for the love that lifts my spirit anew

Each time you speak, your eyes are filled with so much glee
Your passion for life is extraordinary
I’m admiring from a distance contentedly
This is for my crush, a love that’s inspiring me

So thank you for showing me how to be in love
I know it’s one way but it’s a gift from above
For to see you feels like I can fly like a dove
This is for my first brush of a romantic love

– September 18, 2017

Letter To A Friend

letter

photo credit to sharpenet.com

I’m here to listen to your woes each time you cry
You tell me you love him, that I cannot deny
But he doesn’t see your worth as much as I do
This is for the love, unrequited yet it’s true

You know, it’s hard to pretend, for me to carry on
When I’m only a friend, a shoulder to lean on
But no matter what, I’ll never ever leave you
This is for the love that is always here for you

Still, I thank you, love, for the gift of your friendship
ā€ˇSeeing you happy with him takes away my hardship
Yet somehow, I hope for a future of me and you
This is for the love, hoping someday you’ll feel it, too

– January 30, 2018

I Can No Longer Write

barton_fink-typewriter1

photo credit to curnblog.com

I can no longer write about your smile
And share your happiness with everyone
I feel this will go on and on for a while
Maybe this is the end and soon I’m done

I can no longer write about my thoughts
And express the ideas in my head
Whatever this is, I battled and I fought
But this fiend owned me, had me defeated

I can no longer write about anything
And play with words to build a masterpiece
It’s slowly consuming my everything
But a least leave hope so I can be at peace

– November 12, 2019

Grief

foggy woods

photo credit to zedge.net

A mist is enveloping this morning
The road seems narrow and never ending
I feel the breeze, the chill is hitting my face
How I long for the warmth of your embrace

The sun is still in hiding, it’s so dark
Not even a bit of light can make its mark
But this path I have no choice but to take
Burdened with grief that I can no longer fake

The starless, pitch black night is approaching
And I don’t even know where I’m going
But I will keep walking to find answers
Brave this journey while saying my prayers

– October 11, 2019