Insomnia

My legs hurt
My arms feel strange
My body seems twisted
I keep flipping on my bed
I close my eyes
Yet I find them open again
I am restless
Should I run?
Do some chores?
But I won’t, I can’t
It’s physically impossible
So I surf the net, read whatever
I try to write, write whatever
Then my stomach growls
But I don’t have the appetite
So I just check the clock
It’s been more than an hour
Soon I’ll have to work
So try to breathe… Relax!
Forget the pain
Don’t mind the discomfort
Leave any thoughts
Think of happy thoughts
Then count sheeps
But nothing’s working
And I’m running out of ideas
My head is not at its best
I have no more juice
I am so drained
I am exhausted
Yet I am wide awake
Somehow, I couldn’t manage
I just couldn’t fall asleep…

– May 30, 2018

I Am Fading…

I can’t sleep. I’m feeling restless.
I keep on flipping around.
Trying to figure out something
But come out with nothing.
I stare at the ceiling.
I look at the clock.
It’s past 1 and my head’s still spinning.
I must sleep and rest.
Tomorrow is another workday.
But my mind is still wide awake.
It’s searching for the impossible;
Trying to find ways to surpass this.
Yet no matter how hard I think,
I always go back to zero – to nothing!

It’s been more than a year.
I take detours; I divert my frustrations.
My fear has gradually become my reality.
I must face this now, no way to deflect it.
I tell myself to have faith, to let it be.
But I am not convinced. I am fading…

And I just always end up anxious,
without really solving anything –
Where’s my passion? Where’s my fire?
What had gone wrong? Why did it die?
How do I bring it back? How do I be inspired?
I am slowly fading into the night…

– May 2, 2016