The Story Of 2017

2017

photo credit to commons.wikimedia.rog

This is a long overdue wrap up. I started writing this 2 months prior to the end of 2017 but morning (read: all-day) sickness came up.

Anyway, here’s my 2017 in one sentence: 2017 started as normal then halfway and through the end, it was full of surprises and excitement.

—–

January to June was uneventful. I lived a normal life, still searching, then gradually accepting, the loss of passion. Then in July, as I was reflecting what transpired halfway through the year, my spouse experienced a career setback – he was laid off (Surprise #1).

It was tough but it was easier than I initially expected. We were positive things will turn out fine although we considered options on what to do in case he’ll be unemployed for a longer time. But with prayers, opportunity, and luck, he was able to get a new job after in about 3 months. Actually, his being laid off became a blessing in disguise (Surprise #2). Things turned out better. We also got to spend more time playing Pokemon Go and met new people while raiding bosses.*

As for my work life and as already mentioned, I started the year with full of hopes about again finding my passion and drive. But nothing happened then I gradually came to peace that I can no longer bring back the same passion I had 5 or so years ago. Maybe that’s part of growing up (or growing old?). Besides, my day job will never be the centre of my life.

However, when things didn’t add up at work, I knew something was not right. So by end of Aug/early Sep, I started to look for a new job again (Surprise #3). Not even 1 year into my current job! But fortunately, I found one that suits me. I had a small pay cut but it’s what I want to do – it’s the one that I can enjoy and can stomach so I can face each work day. Leaving was definitely bittersweet as I really like the people at my work place but I can’t stay for them. We’ll touch base for sure, and we actually do :).

I guess things are meant to happen that way. Meet new people and friends, learn new things then off to another journey. With this new job, I didn’t have any expectations at all. I didn’t even think about rekindling my passion. I just let things be with only hope that this is the job that would make me stay put.

Then after about a week in my new job, we got the final and biggest surprise of the year. We found out that we’re expecting (SURPRISE #4)! Hold on… before finding out about the pregnancy, I wrote this in early Nov:

I want –
To smile and end my work misery
To look forward to each work day
To continue an active lifestyle
To achieve a work-life balance
To not ever live with regrets
And of course, I want
To write all possibilities
Are these too much to ask?
Will I get these at last?

—–

So came the last month of 2017… well, hello there little one. Who would have thought we’re going to have a baby? People around us, though most of them are pressuring us, know that we’re a couple who’s content on being just the two of us. We let the universe decide if we’re going to be 3, and so here we are with this abundant blessing.

December was the toughest and it felt like the longest month ever. Despite the holidays and the festive season, I was really having the worst changes ever. It’s hard enough that I was adjusting with the new work, but it was harder when my body was going through a lot of changes. Oh, the lack of caffeine, the nausea, the vomiting, the over-sensitive sense of smell, and the insatiable hunger!!! Oh man! I never thought it would be this hard. I’m struggling until now but surviving. I don’t like being pregnant but I’m so excited to have a little one. No pain, no gain, eh?

Now, I’m almost done with my first trimester. With fingers crossed, hopefully it would be better and the little one will grow well, strong, and healthy. So now, I’m revising what I want for 2018:

I want –
To write all possibilities
To continue knowing You
To have all the best for the little one
To welcome and enjoy parenthood
To live free with no regrets…
Here’s to an exciting 2018!

And of course, as my wrap-up tradition goes, I’m still singing and dancing in Bollywood style:

All izz well
Woot woot woot
Hey bro, all izz well…

*I just have to mention Pokemon since it accompanied me during my bleak work days.

– January 11, 2018 07:19

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Please, Lord!

I did the best I could
Please don’t let me be fooled
I can only hope, pray
To let it be my way

‎Is it a new chapter?
‎A future that’s brighter?
The path to destiny
To end my agony?

But it’s reaching for star
It’s so close yet so far
My patience is tested
Now I am frustrated

So I lay it to You
Please help me to pull through
‎Please tell me how to deal
Please let it be Your will

– October 2, 2017

Wherever

photo credit to flexjobs.com

I was hoping to bring back my lost fire, my lost drive
But I couldn’t find them in spite of my effort and strive
I thought a new place would be the start of discovery
Unfortunately, some things are not just meant to be

I initially thought it would be my way to freedom
Or maybe it’d be another disguise of a kingdom
A kingdom of a new hell where I would be again sucked
So I guess it was for the best so I will not be stuck

Clearly, a new place is not the answer to my questions
Wherever I go I could not find any solution
Maybe I just need to surrender – let go – let it be
Accept my fate into nothingness, that’s where I will be

– May 9, 2017

A Glimpse Of What Could Have

I guess I just assumed that I was okay, all right
Then I saw a glimpse of something different, new light
It opened a new world that I never imagined
A place where I want to be but it is not destined

The more I think about it, the more I badly want it
It was my mistake to believe that it was a fit
My fault to hope for something beyond my capacity
It changed my views – things are no longer the way I see

Now I’m back to my prison without even a gleam
Could I go back to yesterdays with unshattered dream?
Because now I’m sulking over something I never had
I wish I have never seen the glimpse of what could have

– May 9, 2017

I Am…

photo credit to campusdish.com

I am again counting every minute
Itching every moment until I’m restless

I am drumming my fingers on my desk
Strumming to the beat of an empty tune

I am staring blankly at my PC screen
Focusing beyond my mind’s consciousness

I am studying flowcharts and numbers
Calculating my imagination’s depth

I am looking outside, admiring the scene
Anticipating change to this unknown pace

I am pretending – pretending this is life
Wondering if I would ever be unmasked

– March 22, 2017

Just Quit

capture

photo credit to the odyssey online

Quit and put an end to it all
Now it’s time to answer the call
Listen to the universe’s cry
All you have to do is to try

Resign and leave it all behind
The purpose of life you will find
Forget your worries, let it be
Do it and it will set you free

– January 17, 2017

The Story Of 2016 (Full Text)

flog-tk

photo credit to flog.tk

Author’s Note: I posted the poem earlier and here’s the full text of my 2016 wrap-up.

If 2015 was The Year of Boredom, 2016 was The Year of Lost Passion.

Story of Boredom (2015 continued…)

It was quietly disguise as a paradise
It took me a while to finally realize
It was a journey to the bottom of the pit
I was hell-bound, I know I had to resist

I had been struggling with boredom since 2015. It continued in 2016 and I reached the peak (or the bottom?) of boredom. Good thing, Pokemon Go happened. So in summer 2016, catching Pokemons was the only thing I was looking forward to in each workday. I know it was shallow but it made me realize how unhappy I was in my day job.

I tried to be patient and endured the agony. I hoped for something good to happen despite being clueless on what would that be. The boredom paved the way for me to write more and let my imagination wander. The boredom was a blessing in disguise, actually. Though I still haven’t finished my short story, I found a different side of a writer in me and re-affirm that writing is my true aspiration. It was so tempting to just stay put, to write while continue earning from my day job but then…

Story of Lost Passion

‎I was unsure, it was difficult to break away
Until I lost my passion along the way
And the absence of fire I can no longer bear
It was my wake up call, time to start all over

But then… I’m such a geek and I enjoy the finance profession. I want to be in a place where I can add value. I want to wake up each workday and look forward to contributing to the company. It was no longer challenging and it led to boredom and that boredom took away my drive towards my work. When I lost my drive, I realized I want to be passionate in both worlds, at least for now – to write on the side and to have a fulfilling day job. And so…

Story of Exploration

So I closed that chapter and welcomed a new norm
Hoping to bring back that something to its full form
Though it is an infinite travel to passion
I am now excited at this exploration

And so… I finally pulled myself from my comfortable boredom. Work is a menial part of my life but I still devote a lot of time to it each day. I don’t want to waste my hours feeling miserable. Luckily, I found a new job. Now, I’m determined to bring back the passion, fire, and drive that I lost in my 2015-2016 journey.

I know I will no longer be as enthusiastic about my day job compared to 3-4 years ago. It is a conscious choice as I’m in very different state now – work is no longer my top priority. As long as I’m not wasting hours, then I am good. In my new job, I am no longer bored, I am no longer miserable, and I am slowly getting my drive back. Then hopefully, I would get more emotional and financial security from my day job so I can craft a plan to reach my dream as a writer. Then eventually transition – to do finance work on the side and to write full time (oh gosh, this is so far-fetched *face palm*).

By the way, during the time when I was so pumped up because of the new job, an accident happened which caused stress to my household. Thank God there was no casualty and the result was favourable to us. But it was a speed bump reminding me about more important things in life.‎

Anyway, if 2015 was The Year of Boredom and 2016 was The Year of Lost Passion, I wonder what 2017 would be? This year, besides getting my drive back, I also want to continue my “less-junk-food” lifestyle and be healthy. Most of all, I want to continue my travel to passion. I am so excited to explore the things I will write. I am so excited to be more inspired while of course, still singing and dancing (Bollywood style) to the sound track from my favorite movie of all time, 3 Idiots…

All izz well
Woot woot woot
Hey bro, all izz well…

– January 12, 2017