Today…

heartbroken

photo credit to emojipedia.com

Today, I realized I’d never be the same
Without you, there’d be no passion, life would be lame
But why did you even tell me to wait, to stay?
Now how am I supposed to face the coming days?

Today, I tried to accept my reality
That you and I are probably not meant to be
But at least tell me the reason, give me closure
Until when do you plan to keep this torture?

So today, I just spent all my hours sulking
I kept checking my messages but still nothing
Then wondered where would I be if you’d ever leave
Oh why did you give me hope and make me believe?

– October 23, 2017

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Farewell Again

Here I am, going to bid my farewell again
To a chaotic yet a fun roller coaster
It’s been heck of a ride but true lessons I gained
To bring me as I embark to wherever

Here I am, closing another chapter again
With only hope for a future that is brighter
Leaving a past with frustrations I can’t contain
Marking a new journey for this lost traveler

– November 21, 2017

My Diversion

It was sucking the joy out of me
I struggled to keep my sanity
Then you came and brought a new meaning
Now I look forward to each morning

It’s amazing how you made me see
A world beyond each day’s cruelty
A diversion that I badly need
To survive this life that I lead

Yes, it still sucks the joy out of me
But as long as you’re here, I’m with glee
With you, I’m ready to brave this fight
Together, we’ll overcome this plight

– September 13, 2017

The Story Of 2017

2017

photo credit to commons.wikimedia.rog

This is a long overdue wrap up. I started writing this 2 months prior to the end of 2017 but morning (read: all-day) sickness came up.

Anyway, here’s my 2017 in one sentence: 2017 started as normal then halfway and through the end, it was full of surprises and excitement.

—–

January to June was uneventful. I lived a normal life, still searching, then gradually accepting, the loss of passion. Then in July, as I was reflecting what transpired halfway through the year, my spouse experienced a career setback – he was laid off (Surprise #1).

It was tough but it was easier than I initially expected. We were positive things will turn out fine although we considered options on what to do in case he’ll be unemployed for a longer time. But with prayers, opportunity, and luck, he was able to get a new job after in about 3 months. Actually, his being laid off became a blessing in disguise (Surprise #2). Things turned out better. We also got to spend more time playing Pokemon Go and met new people while raiding bosses.*

As for my work life and as already mentioned, I started the year with full of hopes about again finding my passion and drive. But nothing happened then I gradually came to peace that I can no longer bring back the same passion I had 5 or so years ago. Maybe that’s part of growing up (or growing old?). Besides, my day job will never be the centre of my life.

However, when things didn’t add up at work, I knew something was not right. So by end of Aug/early Sep, I started to look for a new job again (Surprise #3). Not even 1 year into my current job! But fortunately, I found one that suits me. I had a small pay cut but it’s what I want to do – it’s the one that I can enjoy and can stomach so I can face each work day. Leaving was definitely bittersweet as I really like the people at my work place but I can’t stay for them. We’ll touch base for sure, and we actually do :).

I guess things are meant to happen that way. Meet new people and friends, learn new things then off to another journey. With this new job, I didn’t have any expectations at all. I didn’t even think about rekindling my passion. I just let things be with only hope that this is the job that would make me stay put.

Then after about a week in my new job, we got the final and biggest surprise of the year. We found out that we’re expecting (SURPRISE #4)! Hold on… before finding out about the pregnancy, I wrote this in early Nov:

I want –
To smile and end my work misery
To look forward to each work day
To continue an active lifestyle
To achieve a work-life balance
To not ever live with regrets
And of course, I want
To write all possibilities
Are these too much to ask?
Will I get these at last?

—–

So came the last month of 2017… well, hello there little one. Who would have thought we’re going to have a baby? People around us, though most of them are pressuring us, know that we’re a couple who’s content on being just the two of us. We let the universe decide if we’re going to be 3, and so here we are with this abundant blessing.

December was the toughest and it felt like the longest month ever. Despite the holidays and the festive season, I was really having the worst changes ever. It’s hard enough that I was adjusting with the new work, but it was harder when my body was going through a lot of changes. Oh, the lack of caffeine, the nausea, the vomiting, the over-sensitive sense of smell, and the insatiable hunger!!! Oh man! I never thought it would be this hard. I’m struggling until now but surviving. I don’t like being pregnant but I’m so excited to have a little one. No pain, no gain, eh?

Now, I’m almost done with my first trimester. With fingers crossed, hopefully it would be better and the little one will grow well, strong, and healthy. So now, I’m revising what I want for 2018:

I want –
To write all possibilities
To continue knowing You
To have all the best for the little one
To welcome and enjoy parenthood
To live free with no regrets…
Here’s to an exciting 2018!

And of course, as my wrap-up tradition goes, I’m still singing and dancing in Bollywood style:

All izz well
Woot woot woot
Hey bro, all izz well…

*I just have to mention Pokemon since it accompanied me during my bleak work days.

– January 11, 2018 07:19

Please, Lord!

I did the best I could
Please don’t let me be fooled
I can only hope, pray
To let it be my way

‎Is it a new chapter?
‎A future that’s brighter?
The path to destiny
To end my agony?

But it’s reaching for star
It’s so close yet so far
My patience is tested
Now I am frustrated

So I lay it to You
Please help me to pull through
‎Please tell me how to deal
Please let it be Your will

– October 2, 2017

Wherever

photo credit to flexjobs.com

I was hoping to bring back my lost fire, my lost drive
But I couldn’t find them in spite of my effort and strive
I thought a new place would be the start of discovery
Unfortunately, some things are not just meant to be

I initially thought it would be my way to freedom
Or maybe it’d be another disguise of a kingdom
A kingdom of a new hell where I would be again sucked
So I guess it was for the best so I will not be stuck

Clearly, a new place is not the answer to my questions
Wherever I go I could not find any solution
Maybe I just need to surrender – let go – let it be
Accept my fate into nothingness, that’s where I will be

– May 9, 2017

A Glimpse Of What Could Have

I guess I just assumed that I was okay, all right
Then I saw a glimpse of something different, new light
It opened a new world that I never imagined
A place where I want to be but it is not destined

The more I think about it, the more I badly want it
It was my mistake to believe that it was a fit
My fault to hope for something beyond my capacity
It changed my views – things are no longer the way I see

Now I’m back to my prison without even a gleam
Could I go back to yesterdays with unshattered dream?
Because now I’m sulking over something I never had
I wish I have never seen the glimpse of what could have

– May 9, 2017