If I Were…

barton_fink-typewriter1

photo credit to curnblog.com

If I were to become a successful writer
Goodbye day job! I would no longer have to care
Then I would move on, become an explorer
I would find any inspiration everywhere

If I were to become a successful writer
Goodbye boredom! Here’s a new world to discover
Then I would be free, confusions would be conquered
No more hiding, my mask would also be uncovered

But I am not. I am only a lone dreamer
Stuck in my day job, I am an uninspired worker
Searching for passion, I am a hopeless believer
If only I were a successful writer…

– April 27, 2016

Zombie Worker (Just Rambling)

Author’s Note: This is still related to my previous posts, “I Want To Be” and “But…”; I was thinking of using the same photo in those posts for continuity but I thought it’s funnier to use these zombie workers instead.

My fire is slowly dying. Once it’s gone, I’m afraid I’ll become a zombie worker who just wakes up each day, goes to work, does the job, waits until the day is over, goes home, enjoys the night with the family then repeats the same routine next day. You see them in the office everyday disguising themselves as hardworkers. They could be anyone from the slackers to the top performers. Only one way to distinguish them is through their eyes – there are no sparks in them. They’re in auto-pilot mode and just have a mindset of “let’s just do the job!”. For zombie workers, the main motivation for work is money – it’s all about paying the bills. There’s nothing wrong with that since they earn money and they accomplish the job but it’s wasted talent, and definitely wasted time, if money is the main driving force.

I’m dragging myself each day to work and all I can think about is how I badly want to retire and/or write. I want to pursue writing but I don’t know the next steps. For now, I just want to continue writing and rambling on my thoughts but I want to write more – I want to explore all the possibilities, I want to write about all the ideas in my head but somehow, they don’t come out smoothly. I hit a wall; I’m stuck and I’m uninspired. I don’t know why, may be this zombie virus is impacting my creative juices. How do I turn this around? I don’t know… I hope this is just a phase.

Why is it that I’m enjoying my job and yet I’m not excited about it? Why is it that I like it and yet I’m so bored with it? Why is it that I still find it challenging and yet I’m not looking forward to learn more about it? Why is it that despite the busy schedule and tight deadlines I still don’t feel the adrenaline rush? Why is it that in spite of being recognized I still don’t feel proud? It’s dull! Oh, why?

There’s only one word to explain – PASSION.

I am gradually turning into a zombie worker because of passion – the absence of it. I just had an epiphany that this job is not for me but even if I change job or go back to my previous one, I will encounter this same problem because of the lack of that word. If I would take that route, I would probably have more responsibilities, more stress and less time. Then, I would have an instant escape from what I am truly feeling and not deal with this. Here in my current job, I have some idle time and I can’t help but think about this. So, do I divert and take a detour or do I drive right into it and face it now?

I don’t really have any problem, do I? I’m just so bored and I don’t know how to bring back the fire in me. I guess, I just have to learn how to embrace this and figure out a way to create smoke in my day-to-day work life and prevent the fire from dying. Embracing it doesn’t mean that I will fully turn into a zombie worker but it’s for me to find a cure to this virus asap. I need to search for something to look forward to in each waking workday, whatever that is. May be writing while idle is the start then hopefully this will evolve to more than just rambling.

Reminder to self:

Don’t you want to be a driver, a learner, a dreamer?
Or did you forget about your goal to make things better?
Isn’t it that it’s about becoming a great writer?
Then why are you turning into a zombie worker?

– August 11, 2015

But…

photo obtained from bestmusicbook.com

photo obtained from bestmusicbook.com

Author’s Note: This is actually related to the poem I wrote last week – “I Want To Be” that’s why I used the same picture. Scrambling on my thoughts again…

Going to work every day gets harder and harder. The first thing that comes to mind as soon as I sit in my workstation is – “is it 4:30PM yet?”. After that, I would think about what I would do for the day so I wouldn’t notice the time and all I can think about is how I want to write!

I receive affirmations that I’m doing well at work – that I can definitely lead a team and be “the man”. Most of the time, I don’t believe it and I keep telling my colleagues and friends that I never see myself as one of the bosses. It’s just not in me but I can’t help but wonder about this opportunity – an inevitable opportunity that will present itself in the future – I could really be that person but…

I am no longer as inspired. I am no longer as driven. I am no longer as motivated. Perhaps all frustrations from the past years plus death of relatives have finally taken a toll on how I perceive work. Life is short so why spend it on something that I am not passionate about? I am not frustrated now. I am contented but…

I enjoy my job. I do. I really do but do I love it? Nah! Love is such a strong word. What I love is writing. I’m in love with it and if only I could quit my job and dedicate my entire day to writing I would but…

So why not dedicate my evenings then? I wish I could but I also need to do other stuff in the evenings and weekends like household chores and errands, working out (trying to) and PLAYING video games!!! Yes, I love playing and oddly, I love cleaning too – two more things that I love to do! I already cut my playtime to have an active lifestyle so it’s difficult to squeeze writing at night. Besides, I don’t have enough energy left after spending my entire day in the office. Then again, I remember what my friend used to say all the time back when we were high school students – “if you want it, there are lots of ways; if you don’t, there are lots of excuses*” but…

I feel that I am only half-committed to my full-time job and my writing hobby right now. Every day I see colleagues and friends who are so dedicated at work. How career-oriented they are. How they want to climb the corporate ladder and pursue more studies related to the job. So keen about professional development and continuing education. Oh how I envy them! At times, I come across articles about amateur writers who became best-seller authors. How late bloomers decided to quit work and dedicated themselves to writing despite financial woes. How artists struggle to make end meets but still choose to be artists. So determined in publishing something or creating a masterpiece. Oh how I envy them! Why did I lose that fire? Where did it go? Give me a match and I’ll light it on whatever remaining smoke in me! I want to be fully committed again, it doesn’t matter if it’s to my full-time job or to writing but…

I’m in limbo. I’m just floating in the air, going with the flow – not entirely sure where I’m headed. I don’t even know how to bring back that fire in me. I think this is just a phase while I’m trying to explore my writing skills and my new work but…

I never dream of climbing the corporate ladder nor consider a career shift. Besides, I don’t think I will ever ride a rocket ship and go to the galaxy where the writing planet exists because I need money to live. It’s the practical choice! If I don’t succeed living in that alien world, who knows what might happen to me!?! Don’t get me wrong, I’m very used to failing – failure has been my teacher and it made me realize what true passion is but a failure from something I’m in love with… uhmmm…

No guts, no glory, eh?

“Be a driver, a learner
I want to be a dreamer
Make a diff’rence, be better
I want to be a writer”

* This was said in Filipino, I’m pretty sure a lot of Filipinos know this so this is not originally-written/quoted by my friend: “Kung gusto mo, maraming paraan; kung ayaw mo, maraming dahilan”

– written on June 24, 2015

I Want To Be

photo obtained from bestmusicbook.com

photo obtained from bestmusicbook.com

Author’s Note: So this is a cliché…

I want to be a driver
To experience true passion
Explore things, be a learner
Seek for determination

I want to be a dreamer
To witness a paradise
See the Earth that is brighter
And look forward to what lies

I want to be a writer
To create meaning to words
Give them life as a starter
Then contribute to the world

Be a driver, a learner
I want to be a dreamer
Make a diff’rence, be better
I want to be a writer

– June 18, 2015