The Story Of 2019

2019

Writer’s Note: Read the bottom part for a poem about my 2019.

What’s the highlight of my year? I went back to work, let baby be independent at daycare and dealt with work while taking care of baby when she was sick. And she got sick a lot! The longest stretch that she didn’t get sick was 2.5 weeks. But this happened on the second half of the year. The first half of the year was a bliss. I enjoyed spending time with her. I loved watching her grow and seeing her reach each milestone. It was and it will always be very fulfilling to be her mom.

Having a kid really changed everything. Before, I only sum up my year based on my work and writing struggles or death of a loved one but now everything revolves around the baby. I don’t like using the word “mature” whenever one talks about parenthood. I’d say this is just totally different perspectives and priorities but not necessarily mean maturity. One can mature with or without a kid. So what’s my point? Nothing really, I just want to say that my priorities have changed over the year. I don’t know if I have matured but things have changed to the point that I couldn’t even think about what to write. I don’t even know if they are correlated but it’s ironic that in spite of all the happy vibes of having my baby in my life, I struggled so much with my writing.

Oh 2019… I was so inspired, so blessed, so happy yet I felt that I reached my peak and gradually descending. I felt like there were no more words left in my brain and I found myself constantly squeezing whatever creative juice left. I wonder if the lack of video game, books and exercise contributed to my drought. Or maybe, it was always just easier to express my thoughts if they were dark or sad. And since I was in a happy place, I ran out of ideas This phase seemed to last longer than I wished.

So for this year, I just hope I could play games, read books and do some workout again. Not because they would replenish my elixir but this is me. Somehow a part of me was lost in 2019 and I need it back to become me again. I never regret becoming a mom but I also need my pre-mom self. This year, I’m looking forward to getting back those hobbies that were lost and of course I’m so excited to see my baby grow up. I’m so excited to see the world in a brand new way with my family. I just need to learn how to adjust and juggle all things that I want to accomplish.

Anyways, to sum 2019 up in a poem…

2019 was a bliss, I was inspired
Yet I found myself stuck, drained and tired
I ran out of words, I’ve nothing to say
Hoping this year I’ll have a better way

This drought has been the longest, it seems
It is slowly diminishing my dreams
To explore what’s beyond me, to write more
Will it end this year? Will I ever soar?

But also…

I loved spending each moment with you
You gave my life a different view
The past years were just full of beauty
Excited for the next years with my baby

– January 9, 2020

Nothing To Say (Part 3)

photo credit to curnblog.com

I’m running out of ideas
Sadly, there’s no panacea
It’s frustrating, this is so tough
All my effort is not enough

I have plenty of excuses
Instead of searching for fixes
But I cannot go on, I’m stuck
I can’t even find lady luck

I continue to squeeze my brain
But I’m only getting insane
And I still cannot find my way
That’s it, there’s nothing more to say

– December 4, 2019

Nothing To Say (Part 2)

photo credit to curnblog.com

I have nothing to say
I can’t figure out a way
Please help me understand
How do I take command
When words are slipping away
How do I make them stay

Soon, they will disappear
What’s left is my renewed fear
Tell me this will be solved
Only a phase to evolve
But with a blurred vision
I’ll live without a mission

I am hitting a wall
Exhaustion is in control
I wish to be inspired
But the mind is blank, it’s tired
Slowly, they will be gone
Maybe this is it… I’m done!

– November 29, 2019

Nothing To Say (Part 1)

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photo credit to curnblog.com

A blurred vision
A faded passion
Lost and confused
But I refuse
To give up and quit
And face defeat

With a faint dream
An absence of gleam
Everything’s bleak
I feel so weak
And there’s no more word
Please help me, Lord

– November 27, 2019

I Can No Longer Write

barton_fink-typewriter1

photo credit to curnblog.com

I can no longer write about your smile
And share your happiness with everyone
I feel this will go on and on for a while
Maybe this is the end and soon I’m done

I can no longer write about my thoughts
And express the ideas in my head
Whatever this is, I battled and I fought
But this fiend owned me, had me defeated

I can no longer write about anything
And play with words to build a masterpiece
It’s slowly consuming my everything
But a least leave hope so I can be at peace

– November 12, 2019

Writing Struggle

It’s not that I don’t have any inspiration
But I am always left with so much distraction
Left and right, up and down, all I see is confusion
Look around and I can’t find my concentration

Maybe I’m stuck with no more creativity
My mind wanders but it’s the same activity
I try to focus but I’m hit with anxiety
‚ÄéMore of this and it will be my fallibility

And it’s becoming the epitome of puzzles
I try hard but I still don’t know how to tackle
I guess there are some things that I cannot handle
Just have to accept this is an endless struggle

– May 14, 2019

Why Do You Write / Bakit Ka Nagsusulat?

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Why do you write?
Is it for the likes
To earn money
Is it just a hobby
Or just because

What if the end is near?
Ideas are running out
There are no more words
The fire is dying down
What’s left is only residue

Can you still write?
Even without an audience
Are you changing your ways to conform
Or would you just let it go
Then accept the faded dream

So why am I still writing?
Because this is why I’m breathing
Until the last drop of my ink
Even if there’s no one who reads
Because writing is my happiness

– February 13, 2019

Bakit ka nagsusulat?
Para ba sa likes
Para ba kumita
Libangan kaya
O dahil wala lang

Eh paano kung hanggang dun na lang?
Naubos na ang mga ideya
Wala ng mga salita
Upos na ang kandila
Latak na lang ang asa utak

Kakayanin mo pa bang magsulat?
Kahit wala namang nagbabasa
Babaguhin mo ba ang likha para sa iba
O hahayaan na lang maiga
At tanggapin ang paglaho ng pangarap

Eh bakit pa rin ako nagsusulat?
Dahil dito ako humihinga
Pipigain hanggang sa huling tinta
Kahit pa walang mambabasa
Dahil pagsusulat ng aking ligaya

– February 13, 2019