Lost (Just Rambling)

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photo credit to theursan.wordpress.com

When I thought I have figured things out, that I have passed my confusion phase, that I have finally figured out what to do with my life, some things – small things – will just slap me in the face and remind me that I’m a lost clownfish in this vast ocean.

A clownfish that got lost in the ocean:

It’s difficult when I lost my fire towards my work. I have no more career aspirations, no clear career goals, no career plans. I dreaded to be a zombie worker but I have become that kind of employee. Someone who has no spark in their eyes, who’s always in autopilot mode and just working to get things done. Depsite of being dissatisfied and frustrated, I don’t even find the urge to look for a new job. Ironically, I find comfort in this boring routine. Besides, I don’t know where to go so why bother thinking about moving? My every second spent at work is such a waste of time. It frustrates me more that my attitude towards work totally contradicts my principles! But well, I need my work to earn money and survive.

I used to like going to work each day and think about my day and meetings ahead. I used to have passion to ensure my work is understood and recognized by the management. I used to embrace the work-related stress as it keeps me alive. I lost that drive and it’s now a challenge to wake up each day and face my work.

A clownfish facing sharks:

And so I ask – what do I REALLY want to achieve in my career? Tough question! A question I still don’t know the answer. I know I want to earn more money and retire early – if I could retire now, that would be the best! But this is too vague; it doesn’t even address the kind of work I want to do.

Now, if I consider writing as my career, this turns out to be an easy question. Short term, I want to finish my two short stories and hopefully submit them to a writing contest. The result of that contest will not matter to me. As long as I have a story (or two), the idea, and the guts then I would be fulfilled. Long term, it’s a dream to publish a book – not a blog – with collection of my poems or whatever I have written then be recognized as a true writer. I want to touch everyone’s soul through my writing. Or perhaps, publish a one-hit-wonder of whatever. I guess, this is every writer’s dream. Sadly, these dreams are so far-fetched. I don’t even know how to get there.

It’s a question that can easily be answered but harder to be solved.

A clownfish finding its way (?):

“Just keep swimming” – this is Dory’s line in the movie “Finding Nemo”. What else to do but just keep swimming in this ocean, eh? But keep swimming to where? To a destination called Nowhere?!? I don’t really have a plan. I thought I would have an epiphany after writing this as I always used to have after writing my rambles and rants. But this time is different. I’m still the same me, without drive, without inspirations, without any motivation. I don’t even know how to end this! I’m clueless and I’m still a lost clownfish in this vast ocean.

A Journey to the Lost
A Traveller Going Nowhere
A Destination to Confusion

Well, at least I figured out some good titles for my book that only has blank pages in it!

– April 18, 2016

Zombie Worker (Just Rambling)

Author’s Note: This is still related to my previous posts, “I Want To Be” and “But…”; I was thinking of using the same photo in those posts for continuity but I thought it’s funnier to use these zombie workers instead.

My fire is slowly dying. Once it’s gone, I’m afraid I’ll become a zombie worker who just wakes up each day, goes to work, does the job, waits until the day is over, goes home, enjoys the night with the family then repeats the same routine next day. You see them in the office everyday disguising themselves as hardworkers. They could be anyone from the slackers to the top performers. Only one way to distinguish them is through their eyes – there are no sparks in them. They’re in auto-pilot mode and just have a mindset of “let’s just do the job!”. For zombie workers, the main motivation for work is money – it’s all about paying the bills. There’s nothing wrong with that since they earn money and they accomplish the job but it’s wasted talent, and definitely wasted time, if money is the main driving force.

I’m dragging myself each day to work and all I can think about is how I badly want to retire and/or write. I want to pursue writing but I don’t know the next steps. For now, I just want to continue writing and rambling on my thoughts but I want to write more – I want to explore all the possibilities, I want to write about all the ideas in my head but somehow, they don’t come out smoothly. I hit a wall; I’m stuck and I’m uninspired. I don’t know why, may be this zombie virus is impacting my creative juices. How do I turn this around? I don’t know… I hope this is just a phase.

Why is it that I’m enjoying my job and yet I’m not excited about it? Why is it that I like it and yet I’m so bored with it? Why is it that I still find it challenging and yet I’m not looking forward to learn more about it? Why is it that despite the busy schedule and tight deadlines I still don’t feel the adrenaline rush? Why is it that in spite of being recognized I still don’t feel proud? It’s dull! Oh, why?

There’s only one word to explain – PASSION.

I am gradually turning into a zombie worker because of passion – the absence of it. I just had an epiphany that this job is not for me but even if I change job or go back to my previous one, I will encounter this same problem because of the lack of that word. If I would take that route, I would probably have more responsibilities, more stress and less time. Then, I would have an instant escape from what I am truly feeling and not deal with this. Here in my current job, I have some idle time and I can’t help but think about this. So, do I divert and take a detour or do I drive right into it and face it now?

I don’t really have any problem, do I? I’m just so bored and I don’t know how to bring back the fire in me. I guess, I just have to learn how to embrace this and figure out a way to create smoke in my day-to-day work life and prevent the fire from dying. Embracing it doesn’t mean that I will fully turn into a zombie worker but it’s for me to find a cure to this virus asap. I need to search for something to look forward to in each waking workday, whatever that is. May be writing while idle is the start then hopefully this will evolve to more than just rambling.

Reminder to self:

Don’t you want to be a driver, a learner, a dreamer?
Or did you forget about your goal to make things better?
Isn’t it that it’s about becoming a great writer?
Then why are you turning into a zombie worker?

– August 11, 2015